In front of my eyes

And here goes my farewell to you BlogSpot.

From day one you were my comfort zone; a place where I learned to open up after prior issues with doing so. You helped me grow in many more ways than one. Though sometimes you may have not understood me and what I left to linger on this page I knew if I gave you sometime you would eventually catch it. So I came to you hours and sometimes days at a time. I’ve geared away many times before giving up on everything that we shared but it wasn’t long before I returned.

Special connections made in a complex situation while processing his thoughts-logically on love- behind my eyes. As complicated as that may sound that is how complicated it is or we made it.

Analyzing and looking back on everything now is difficult for me; because this is a situation that I never saw myself being in since I never meant to develop these kind of feelings for you. And what I realized is that as we grow we learn to invest more in each “relationship” that we build with others, and with every “relationship” lost you lose a part of yourself and whatever feelings that you have devoted to it.

So yes I’m a bit hurt because I thought I was compromising with someone who cared about me but in reality I was holding back for something that never truly existed. I want and wanted so much to believe that things would get better but that’s a wish that I let go a couple of days ago.

And though I will always- always have love for you, I have to accept the fact that love doesn’t change the negative; and I’m content with my decision because I know that “I've only tried to be there for you”. I just hope one day you see everything the way that it really is-not my way or yours- just the way it truly is.

.suoiruc tsuj

XIII

So she sits and wonders what’s left of her.

No looking behind her eyes this time.

She could never love someone as much as she loves you,

where you end she begins-

it's like a river running through.

Take her heart and take her eyes because she will need them no more;

If never again they will fall upon the one she adores.

Constant thought

Let me know when you're ready to talk

We go through extremes…I swear it was all GREAT just a week ago.

BUT

“I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else

I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself

I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart…who holds my heart”

-Luther Vandross

I don't want to fight or argue

So I'm sorry

The demise of love

It’s all psychological; it is only felt when you are left alone with your thoughts. When not a soul is around to interfere with you and yourself; the second you sit knowing you accomplished everything that needed to be done for the day. Evaluating situations around you and noticing that things haven’t been going your way- fighting yourself over things and feelings that you can’t possibly change. Not wanting to let go or walk away but wanting to loosen your grip and take that one step back. Tears flowing down your cheeks, leaving you frustrated that it’s dripping on your neck bone and eventually hitting your shirt. So what are you left to do now? You know it all bothers you now but tomorrow you will forget all about how you are feeling at this very moment- it’s like the monster under the bed that only comes out at night, but during the day it is nowhere to be found and you are brave enough to look for it.

Late night insecurities

“I’ve loved the stars too fondly to be afraid of the night” but when the night hits it’s not only me, my thoughts come rushing in never leaving me alone in my darkest hour. I will never understand how I wouldn’t let certain things cross my mind during the day but once the night hits that’s when my mind wants to think of every and anything leaving me confused and somewhat insecure. I constantly find myself in the same place over and over again. Left not knowing if things are really what they appear to be or if I’m thinking too much into it. I tried hard to run far away from you but you somehow caught up to me Love. A word that is so easy to utter but difficult to define. "I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like".

He always said my eyes tell it all...

well to him at least.

;-)

I love him even more when his thoughts are processed.

FRIENDS 'n friends

"We don’t know how to be in a relationship because we never truly tried." We don’t know how to be just friends because each time we try our feelings collide…

“Privacy (in love) presents as many problems as it does possibilities.”

dear blogspot,

I’ve been gone for a while but I never truly left, my heart still remains here with you. I guess I just don’t know how to show it anymore so I kind of….distance myself from you. Knowing what I want to say but never letting it come out because confusion is the last thing I want to linger. I feel that so much has been going on that I could speak on but the state that I have been in I just choose to ignore it; but now "I'm back like I never ever left".

The war 'WALE'

"Just another product of this matrix

This maze I'm in amazes me at times

I just wanted to be at peace with you

And if I gotta settle for a piece of you,

then I gotta say peace to you.

With all due respect I do respect you enough to expect...

effort is all i ask for

If we gonna last more, I gotta ask for more

and if that means that I'm askin' for too much

I'm sure we'll end up as our last or...past

we bash, we blast

we shoot, we lose

we pass...war"

So much is bothering me, but I try and hide it all with a smile and constant laughter.

Senior Year