I'll be gone for a minute.

I haven’t been on the ferry in forever or even rode a train. It felt good today coming home for the break. Lord knows that’s exactly what I needed from Plattsburgh. Being in that town for too long eventually turns me crazy. “This city made us crazy and we must get out” a line from one of my favorite Maroon 5 song’s. I did a lot of thinking and writing on the bus it felt like a whole new way of thinking. I questioned myself a lot on the ride but it was cool it just made me think even more. I decided that I am going to take a little break from blogging for awhile just to get my mind right- seems as if I have so much going on in there and I need to clear some mental space. I missed my mommy so much and we did a lot of catching us as we started some thanksgiving cooking. She always seems to know the right things to say even when I don’t tell her what is going on. There is a line that is stuck in my head and I am not sure from what song but it’s “We all make mistakes and sometimes we do desperate things.” I couldn’t agree more. I should have known that spring wouldn’t last too long in the fall now it’s starting to get bitter cold out- I have to put up my guard I mean put on my jacket. I know these winter days are going to feel longer now that…..well. Anyway Chris is almost as tall as me now with a deep voice he is growing into a man and I don’t know how I feel about that. November has been an interesting month; I gained and I lost. I learned to never say you are going to do something if you don’t have the emotional power to do so. I learned that you should always accept a situation for what it is and never think that it is in your power to change it & I also learned that people used to be irrelevant but all of a sudden you gave them some kind of relevance now and I let that f**k with my mind. Seems as if I signed up for a role that was too hard to play but I am the greatest actress that you’ll ever meet. I learned that love is still not shit and saying it won’t change things even if it is how you really feel. I learned that my words sometimes make things worse and for that I am taking a break from this whole behind my eyes thinking and blogging thing. And lastly I learned that I can’t put someone’s feeling before my own because they wouldn’t understand it the way I do; but I am careless to that because I would still do it because I care about certain things and people a lot. Even if my mind said you didn’t matter my heart would still make me chase after you. I'm done for now, so one for now.

Music Archive

Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart-Alicia Keys

Even if you are a million miles away

I could still feel you in my bed

Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea

I could still hear it inside my head

Telling me, touch me, feel me

And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever try sleeping with a broken heart?

Well you could try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound

Why don't you hold me, need me

I thought you told me, you'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face

And I knew right where I fit in

Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love with you

Right till the end

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could've told you right from the start it's 'bout to fall apart

So rather than hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love

And I could find a way to make it, don't hold on too tight

I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Done.

If I wasn't sure before, I am now.

It takes a lot for me to do this, and I just hope that you understand.

I don't know how to explain it.....

Trial run to the ......

I claim to care about HER, but I let HER get deeper and deeper into a situation that isn’t necessarily bad but unclear on both parts. SHE is so fragile. I tried to help HER to put a veil over her heart but it ripped and showed more than she ever thought.I let HER continue and didn’t fight hard enough so that SHE wouldn’t be frustrated in the end. Does that make me a bad person-maybe I just wanted HER to be happy for the time being? This was a new experience to HER, one that SHE liked because of the thrill and who am I to stop this for HER? The thing with HER is one minute SHE is content with the way things are going and the next SHE hates it and doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore. SHE still has love for you but SHE isn’t sure if she could do this anymore and neither am I.

Sorry I took a quick trip to the moon without you.

A simple quote.

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”

-Anonymous

Untitled VIII

Often the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do. It’s easier to choose your mind over your heart even if you know it isn't right. I really don’t know where I am going with this blog. I am just writing to write, to keep myself from thinking about other things. I get so caught up every day trying to keep it all together that I sometimes I forget about me and what I’m feeling. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel as if I am fighting to survive; fighting the public, fighting myself; just fighting in general. Lately I haven’t been myself, I just been going with the days letting them pass as quickly as they could in hope of not being noticed. Trying to hold in every emotion, and just let out forced smiles and laughter. I really don’t know what it is and when it really started but it’s something that just won’t go away. I don’t know. I feel as if I am being controlled by an unknown force. One minute I think everything is getting better and the next I’m down and feeling sad again. Normally I am flowing with ideas and so energetic but lately I haven’t been in the mood to write. There is so much that goes on in my head that it is hard for me to control what I am thinking. It’s like thought after thought all full with negativity. I just have a feeling- that something is going on and it’s something big. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, but the shit that crosses your mind can kill you.

Who would have thought.......

Spring in the Fall

.I wish

I wish I had a good reason for being up at 3 in the morning but.......

it's just insomnia again.

A story

She’s pouring out her heart into this…toxic, non-growing, on-going relationship.
Once upon a time, it was something simple, amazing. Something young, yet grown, maybe innocent even.
But they lost it?
No, She lost it!
She realized what she wanted, and accepted that you would never change. Never say never, maybe one day? But one day will be too late. Almost two years and she was still singing the same song. It’s as if they were standing in time. She just wanted them to continue as the big handed turned…. She wanted them to be beautiful… to the point that their flaws made them even more perfect.
But, that was just her silly little plan. You showed her that yo had another plan in mind. And she thought who is she to mess that up to you. So she walked away.
Quietly.
Without making a scene or blasting your name. She just disappeared as if she was never there. As if you never were.
Every day it hurts her, giving up on what she wanted.
Maybe one day you will feel it.
Maybe that’s what it takes…..
for her not to be there.

Insomnia at its best.

Under 5 & 6,

6 & 7,

4 & 5,

And

3 & 4

is YOU.

This is what I think of when Insomnia is at its best.

Untitled VII

It’s funny because when I first had a clip of my multi-Epiphanies I was expecting it to deal with something completely different and trying to put everything together; but now I understand that the things that I wanted to see were probably “fed’ to my mind, and took over my thoughts to distract me from what I was really supposed to be focusing on.

Almost have it solved.