We go through extremes
........either too high or too low. There is never an in between. It never fails it is the same emotional cycle time and time again- one that we refuse to change though we know it can be costly. We have been blinded by the great moments. When everything is GREAT we forget about how it was once at its worse until reach there again. Each time things go wrong it gets worse and worse and harder to forgive or forget.
The crazy thing is....
Most people wait for the green light, but not I. It is the red light that I constantly wait for. I could sit there for minutes waiting for the light to turn from green to red. Constantly looking a way hoping that when I turn back the light would be red. Sometimes it is, sometimes isn’t. It comes when I least expect-when I start to become tired, or when I try to keep myself busy; but I always have time for the red light. When it’s red it blinks periodically waiting to be checked; but I sometimes ignore it as if I wasn’t waiting for it all this time. Then I become anxious and eventually pick it up. I wish it was like a traffic light where there is a yellow light so that I know when the red light would be coming; but it doesn’t work that way unfortunately. If I think I am waiting too long I give you the red light.
I don’t know if it is weird or not but I can’t cry about the things that have occurred over the past week. Though it was mind changing information I still can’t bring myself to let tears fall. I guess because somewhere in my mind I knew that there was something being hidden from me- so being that I already prepared myself it didn’t hit me as hard.
Random thoughts allow me to eventually get out what I am trying to say. For a while I was unable to find the right words to explain the way that I was feeling. Seriously there is something about “early mornings” that allow me to get everything out. It is like a time of seriousness and I don’t talk in circles with what I have to say. A time of privacy when I am able to let out all that has been bothering me without holding back, and you are able to listen and understand. I have made up my mind that these “early mornings” are the only time that I will speak to you about things like this. We always spoke about things in the “early mornings” and I was able to speak without an issue but when it is face to face, it is so much better for me because I could see your initial reaction to things, there is no backspacing or anything like that.
“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”
Awkwardness fills the room and it is so hard to deal with. What do I say, how do I act? I feel as if everyone knows and expects for me to act the worst; but instead I do the complete opposite. I go on as if nothing ever happened. They are all worried thinking I would eventually break down but that will not be the case. They don’t seem to understand why I am going on this way, and I can’t seem to find the right words that would allow them to understand. All I do is smile and reassure them that I am fine when they bring up the issue. I know deep inside they don’t believe me but that is the honest truth. I had two heart to hearts and it allowed me to resolve any issues that I had and get the answers to questions that I pondered about. So I am content. A part of me doesn’t want to bring up anything to them because I don’t want to hear their thoughts on the issue; I wish that they could understand that I need them to listen more than I need them to talk. With them saying their thoughts on the issue I would eventually become frustrated because I had the same thoughts and it’s something that I don’t think about anymore because that chapter is resolved and closed. I just look at it as I have my own thoughts on what I should do and how I will handle things so I don’t need theirs in my head confusing me the more. I know that they are looking out for me but I guess there are just certain things that I rather not hear right now.
“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”
I know that I didn’t speak much about how I was feelings when we weren’t talking but I did some writing. My initial thoughts were full of disappointment in everything and the way it ended. I wrote day after day not posting.
December 3rd I wrote: I don’t know, I thought we were better than this. It kills me every time we cross paths and walk pass each other as if “we” never existed. It’s even worse when we are in the same room (no more than six feet from each other) and we don’t utter a single word to one another, no type of contact at all. Leaving me to wonder if we ever knew each other. Maybe I never met you and I dreamt everything up in my own world. That’s the way it feels when I see you now. It’s hard every day but it’s something we have to deal with right? I remember when we used to fight and make up so quick as nothing ever happened. I miss those days. I remember when you used to know what I was thinking before I even formed my thoughts…days of understanding! I remember how we used to talk for hours, and now we don’t talk at all- there is something wrong with this picture. You always told me that you understood me more than I understood myself-so why can’t you understand me now? It’s as simple as 2 plus 2 on my part; but you don’t see it that way. It’s as simple as 1 plus 1 on your part, but I don’t see it that way. Why are we unable to understand the understandable? Is it because we don’t take time to, or because we have our different ways of learning these lessons? We are the same book but on different pages no wonder why things could never be looked at the same.
“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”
December 2nd I wrote a quick snippet of what I was feeling and it said: I think that it is just interesting that way things play out. You could tell someone something a million times but it’s up to them to understand what you are saying. Words are used to communicate and educated yourself as well as other individuals. Even when you use the simplest terms an individual still might not understand, so what are you to do then? I’m thinking of drawing what I am trying to say now since my words don’t seem to work.
“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”
Things started to get crazy, my cousin was telling me about this rock song and how she like the concept of it so I looked it up, and there was a line that caught my attention so quick. You know how you always say you think God is laughing at you… well I had one of those moments. The lyrics were “Since the return from her stay on the moon, she listens like spring……”what are the odds that someone who have those words in a song put together in that order. I thought God was trying to get me to break down, but I didn’t.
“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry"
……Yea the blog cry
And so you know I couldn’t do for long without you. Writing has becoming my coping mechanism and so have you. “A little inspiration” is what you have always been to me and my writing. I have been writing a lot for the past 2 weeks but not with you. I just saved my words in my archive- but don’t worry they were all about you. Most of them were pertaining to emotional connections and physical ones- which is funny because of the talk we had today. But we both know Emotional connections are greater than the physical one because they leave us with more to hold on to; but often make things more difficult. And that is why I was having a difficult time.
The love that I have for you is undeniably real and one that won’t go away even when we are at our worse. The connection that we have allows us to work through anything.[looking back to one of my previous blogs: turning to you without a doubt; it explains us perfectly “We are so much the same that when things are good they are great and when we collide; we just can’t be around one another. "Something that we have been experiencing these past two weeks.]
But I understand that “We all make mistakes and sometimes we do desperate things” and that is exactly why I am not mad at the things that we discussed. Though you kept it from me for so long I understand your reasons. You care about me and you didn’t know how to say it without hurting me and in some way you didn’t want to lose me. I can’t help to wonder if I am being foolish because my feelings towards you haven’t changed but I know that when you love someone you love them even with their faults and you help them in their time of need. Love doesn’t just go away with every bad situation.
I’m not going to tell you that you should feel bad because you already do, so all I could do is let you know that it is okay and I’m glad that you took the time to let it out and tell me everything. It’s just funny how you were telling me that you knew you were being selfish trying to turn things around on me to make yourself feel better.
I know it may be hard to believe but I’m always going to be here so stop bringing up that “even if you never speak to me again” talk. And you know I will always love you ….a “Little bit.”
I haven’t been on the ferry in forever or even rode a train. It felt good today coming home for the break. Lord knows that’s exactly what I needed from Plattsburgh. Being in that town for too long eventually turns me crazy. “This city made us crazy and we must get out” a line from one of my favorite Maroon 5 song’s. I did a lot of thinking and writing on the bus it felt like a whole new way of thinking. I questioned myself a lot on the ride but it was cool it just made me think even more. I decided that I am going to take a little break from blogging for awhile just to get my mind right- seems as if I have so much going on in there and I need to clear some mental space. I missed my mommy so much and we did a lot of catching us as we started some thanksgiving cooking. She always seems to know the right things to say even when I don’t tell her what is going on. There is a line that is stuck in my head and I am not sure from what song but it’s “We all make mistakes and sometimes we do desperate things.” I couldn’t agree more. I should have known that spring wouldn’t last too long in the fall now it’s starting to get bitter cold out- I have to put up my guard I mean put on my jacket. I know these winter days are going to feel longer now that…..well. Anyway Chris is almost as tall as me now with a deep voice he is growing into a man and I don’t know how I feel about that. November has been an interesting month; I gained and I lost. I learned to never say you are going to do something if you don’t have the emotional power to do so. I learned that you should always accept a situation for what it is and never think that it is in your power to change it & I also learned that people used to be irrelevant but all of a sudden you gave them some kind of relevance now and I let that f**k with my mind. Seems as if I signed up for a role that was too hard to play but I am the greatest actress that you’ll ever meet. I learned that love is still not shit and saying it won’t change things even if it is how you really feel. I learned that my words sometimes make things worse and for that I am taking a break from this whole behind my eyes thinking and blogging thing. And lastly I learned that I can’t put someone’s feeling before my own because they wouldn’t understand it the way I do; but I am careless to that because I would still do it because I care about certain things and people a lot. Even if my mind said you didn’t matter my heart would still make me chase after you. I'm done for now, so one for now.
Sorry I took a quick trip to the moon without you.
.bmp)
“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”
-Anonymous
Often the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do. It’s easier to choose your mind over your heart even if you know it isn't right. I really don’t know where I am going with this blog. I am just writing to write, to keep myself from thinking about other things. I get so caught up every day trying to keep it all together that I sometimes I forget about me and what I’m feeling. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel as if I am fighting to survive; fighting the public, fighting myself; just fighting in general. Lately I haven’t been myself, I just been going with the days letting them pass as quickly as they could in hope of not being noticed. Trying to hold in every emotion, and just let out forced smiles and laughter. I really don’t know what it is and when it really started but it’s something that just won’t go away. I don’t know. I feel as if I am being controlled by an unknown force. One minute I think everything is getting better and the next I’m down and feeling sad again. Normally I am flowing with ideas and so energetic but lately I haven’t been in the mood to write. There is so much that goes on in my head that it is hard for me to control what I am thinking. It’s like thought after thought all full with negativity. I just have a feeling- that something is going on and it’s something big. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, but the shit that crosses your mind can kill you.
I shed tears cause I'm told that the heal, to tell the truth I don't know how to feel, ever felt alone in room full of friends, got big plans but leave em in suspense, pray for me.....
…..and at the end of my last day
“Your face would be the reason I smile.”
