M.SC

"You don't want to go as much as I want you to stay"

Para tu

I guess a little bit was too much to ask for, I thought that you would be able to save room in your heart for me; you say I am in there but I think you buried me another again. I knew you were just like me but I thought that eventually we could help each other to change but I guess we were just both so far gone dealing with our own emotions. Me, with my Choux Pastry heart will always care about you; that's why I told you that you could always holla if you need me. You will always be like a star across my sky; no one could replace you- you’re that special. There is just something about you. If this world were mine everything would be perfect, but nothing even matters. I will never have to try sleeping with a broken heart because I gave it up to you a long time ago when you used to love me.

...in the studio

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

You don't appreciate the time

I put into this love affair of ours baby

I couldn't let you walk around

Thinking it's alright to let me down

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

I gave you all my precious love

And anything you wanted from me

You didn't hear me calling out

Calling for your warm affection after all this time

You can't deny what I'm feeling is real

And I stood around, stood by your side

Went through all the hurt and pain

And you turned and walked away

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

Can't give up on the way you used to give it to me

Give it to me

What a feeling it's for real

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

You didn't hear me calling out

And that's not what love's about

I remember you used to love me

You used to love me every day

Now your love has gone away

I remember I remember

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

-Faith Evans "Used to love me"

I won't entertain you.

NOPE

Untitled XII

“It’s a shame , the two hearts can be so attached, but they can’t be together.”

No more "Superwoman"

9 mins and 13 seconds

.....of venting and you still don't understand. Why even bother?

The world never ceases to fascinate me; or should I say people. Maybe it is me who puts on the front that nothing bothers me and that I am always happy. Everyone always expects me to be that superwoman. The one that can handle every situation with a smile and not be stressed or hurt about anything; but I’m not. I always let things build up inside and then randomly have my breaking points off the smallest things. I always say that I need to stop letting everyone’s problems and the things that they do bother me but I guess I can’t. I noticed that I always going up and beyond for people and sometimes that can never return the gesture; not that I am waiting for it. Sometimes I really feel like breaking down and crying, but I just cover it with a smile- I don’t know why I do it. I guess it’s the fear of appearing weak. I always give the advice to people that they shouldn't put other's happiness before their own but time and time again I do just that and each time I notice that some aren't as grateful as I would be.

Quote

“Make peace with your past so it doesn't mess up the present.”

A quote that I love and value.

I did just that but sometimes the past isn’t content with the way things turn out

and does things that make me react negatively and affect the present.

I think it’s time for a change of number.

Dark blue to Light blue

I remember when we used to do this;

a everyday ritual from dark blue to light blue.

I almost felt as if those times were coming back;

but then I realized I had to put my

dark blue to walk in the light blue.

Untitled XI

I just knew we were trouble when we first met

Maybe we should let them know

Reflection

It was as if I was looking in a mirror staring back at someone I once was. She was so young in the face and young in the heart and mind. Not knowing much and hardly experiencing anything at all; just so naïve about the world and what it had to offer. Wishing I could go back into that time to help guide her and warn her that not everyone is the way you want them to be; but everything that she would experience would help her to be the one I am today.

No I don’t know everything or do have the answers to this mysterious world; but I am more alert with things and more understanding of it. I know how to handle things better than I did once before. I grew into this person who sometimes makes me think and question myself about who I am.

I don’t remember getting to this point in my life it’s as if I evolved over the years without noticing. I never really realize the growth of my mind until I begin to speak or until I am put into certain situations.

Sometimes I sit and think about the things that I have learned and experience over the years. Every time I am hit with a new challenge I just think back to my past adversaries and that gives me faith and trust that I would be able to get through whatever comes my way.

A forwarded email from my mommy :-)

She has that motherly sense and always unknowingly knows when I need words of wisdom.

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people.

As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don't help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.

Consider this:
Never receive counsel from unproductive people.
Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how.
Not everyone has a right to speak into your life.
You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.
Don't follow anyone who's not going anywhere.

With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it.

Be careful where you stop to inquire for direction along the road of life.

Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships.

If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.

"A Mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses."

The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate - for the good and the bad.

Note: Be not mistaken.
This is applicable to family as well as friends.
Yes. do love, appreciate and be thankful for your family, for they will always be your family no matter what. Just know that they are human first and though they are family to you, they may be a friend to someone else and will fit somewhere in the criteria above

"In Prosperity Our Friends Know Us. In Adversity We Know Our Friends."
"Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them".

"If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude."

Colin Powell

I guess I never told you that>>

Since I was younger I was always able to cover and hide the things that hurt me the most. Most people who know me believe that I am a person who is passionless and doesn’t let many things bother me; but in actually I am the total opposite I am just good at hiding it. I don’t like to show people what bothers me for the simple fact they would know what to do and say to get to me. What I started to realize is that when people did something wrong to me I wouldn’t react to it, it may be hard to believe but I am quick to forgive especially if I care for someone. And I guess it is my fault because I let so many people who are close to me get away with a lot of things that actually did hurt me but I just never spoke on the issue. I am the type of person who would be mad at someone for 10 minutes and forgive them, or I would just dismiss the issue and suppress my emotions and feelings. But as of late, I feel as if people have really been testing me, whether it is with their words or actions. Maybe this is a new epiphany and I have been oblivious to the situation before but now I see it clear as day. That phone call today took the cake. I had no choice but to get a little crazy, so that my point was taken seriously. I never really understood why people think that they could pop up in your life whenever they feel like it- so I had to start hurting feelings, and I didn’t feel the least bit bad about it. J

2:17 am [2-4-10]

...sometimes I feel as if my words are the only thing I could turn to.

...winter break epiphany

It’s as if I knew it for about a while but was unable to properly articulate what was going on. I had words and thoughts running through my mind but I wasn’t sure of the sequence to make then make sense. But then it hit me- my words were finally placed in the right order and my thoughts finally began to make sense. In life you meet people or you grow up with people who you think are in your life for a reason; whether it is to teach you a lesson, have a certain influence in your life or grow with you to become a better person. I always applied this concept with people who I have met over the years; I never thought that I would have to apply it to people who I knew my entire life. In life when you meet people it never crosses your mind that they might not be there to the end with you, or that they would change so drastically that you don’t want to be around them you think that they should be there forever and not change for the worse as it should be. I know that there are certain things that occur in life that make people change; which I always hope their change is for the better; but when someone changes their ways for another person; the way that they act and what they do- it starts to become questionable; especially when that change isn’t for the best. It is one thing if one person tells you about your drastic change but when a hand full of people speaks on it; that is when you should evaluate yourself and the situation. I never really understood how people could choose a certain individual over their family. Yes I know the quote about liking to learn the hard way; but when the hard way could be extremely costly that’s when I start to become worried.