Intuition

Intuition:

is the apparent ability to acquire knowledge without inference or the use of reason

The providing of beliefs that we cannot necessarily justify

....still waiting

Back to a place where thoughts flow more clearly.

...

There are certain things that occur that we are not in control of;

it happens in this thing called LIFE.

Untitled X

Her: I don’t miss you or anything, but I want to know if you miss me

Him: Well okay. I do hypothetically speaking of course

[Sometimes I just don't get them.]

Shhhh...

"There aren’t many more ways

And words that I can say

So I’ll just say it numerically

From my heart to you 143"

Talking in circles...just to amuse myself

…..I talk in circles as an unintentional social experiment to see who would take the time to really understand. Most people don't. But he does......at times.

“I hate when you do this.”

Is often the response I get from him.

It's really unintentional sometimes, but I mostly do it on purpose. I became a professional at it; asking him the same question over and over in different ways just to avoid the real question that should be asked.

Yea, I know I am weird.

but he is too.

Then there are times that I just take things for what they are and I'm content. But then sometimes questions cross my mind making me go from being content to frustrated.

Then it causes distance.

At times I feel as if I don't know him

and that he doesn't know me.

Then there are times that I feel that we know each other a little too much

which still causes me to distance myself from him,

I am afraid of attachment I guess.

People often try to play apart of what this is. Trying to figure things out. But I talk in circles to them too leading them to believe what they want to think they solved from my words.

Don't confirm anything right....keep avoiding their questions..

And i do just that and hide my emotions because sometimes they can get the best of me.

"If you let your emotions take over you will discover that you are not in control anymore."

Don't examine it because you will never win against my mind...I talk in circles to amuse myself.

Untitled IX

Maybe you deserve a special place in my… but I am afraid to let your reside there so I just keep you close to it

"You're the only one who knows what I go through, and sometimes you feel it more than me..."

-Robin Thicke "Angels"

Extremes.

We go through extremes

........either too high or too low. There is never an in between. It never fails it is the same emotional cycle time and time again- one that we refuse to change though we know it can be costly. We have been blinded by the great moments. When everything is GREAT we forget about how it was once at its worse until reach there again. Each time things go wrong it gets worse and worse and harder to forgive or forget.

The crazy thing is....

....maybe

Waiting for....that RED light

Most people wait for the green light, but not I. It is the red light that I constantly wait for. I could sit there for minutes waiting for the light to turn from green to red. Constantly looking a way hoping that when I turn back the light would be red. Sometimes it is, sometimes isn’t. It comes when I least expect-when I start to become tired, or when I try to keep myself busy; but I always have time for the red light. When it’s red it blinks periodically waiting to be checked; but I sometimes ignore it as if I wasn’t waiting for it all this time. Then I become anxious and eventually pick it up. I wish it was like a traffic light where there is a yellow light so that I know when the red light would be coming; but it doesn’t work that way unfortunately. If I think I am waiting too long I give you the red light.

So I got to make the...

.Blog Cry

"I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry"

I don’t know if it is weird or not but I can’t cry about the things that have occurred over the past week. Though it was mind changing information I still can’t bring myself to let tears fall. I guess because somewhere in my mind I knew that there was something being hidden from me- so being that I already prepared myself it didn’t hit me as hard.

Random thoughts allow me to eventually get out what I am trying to say. For a while I was unable to find the right words to explain the way that I was feeling. Seriously there is something about “early mornings” that allow me to get everything out. It is like a time of seriousness and I don’t talk in circles with what I have to say. A time of privacy when I am able to let out all that has been bothering me without holding back, and you are able to listen and understand. I have made up my mind that these “early mornings” are the only time that I will speak to you about things like this. We always spoke about things in the “early mornings” and I was able to speak without an issue but when it is face to face, it is so much better for me because I could see your initial reaction to things, there is no backspacing or anything like that.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

Awkwardness fills the room and it is so hard to deal with. What do I say, how do I act? I feel as if everyone knows and expects for me to act the worst; but instead I do the complete opposite. I go on as if nothing ever happened. They are all worried thinking I would eventually break down but that will not be the case. They don’t seem to understand why I am going on this way, and I can’t seem to find the right words that would allow them to understand. All I do is smile and reassure them that I am fine when they bring up the issue. I know deep inside they don’t believe me but that is the honest truth. I had two heart to hearts and it allowed me to resolve any issues that I had and get the answers to questions that I pondered about. So I am content. A part of me doesn’t want to bring up anything to them because I don’t want to hear their thoughts on the issue; I wish that they could understand that I need them to listen more than I need them to talk. With them saying their thoughts on the issue I would eventually become frustrated because I had the same thoughts and it’s something that I don’t think about anymore because that chapter is resolved and closed. I just look at it as I have my own thoughts on what I should do and how I will handle things so I don’t need theirs in my head confusing me the more. I know that they are looking out for me but I guess there are just certain things that I rather not hear right now.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

I know that I didn’t speak much about how I was feelings when we weren’t talking but I did some writing. My initial thoughts were full of disappointment in everything and the way it ended. I wrote day after day not posting.

December 3^rd I wrote: I don’t know, I thought we were better than this. It kills me every time we cross paths and walk pass each other as if “we” never existed. It’s even worse when we are in the same room (no more than six feet from each other) and we don’t utter a single word to one another, no type of contact at all. Leaving me to wonder if we ever knew each other. Maybe I never met you and I dreamt everything up in my own world. That’s the way it feels when I see you now. It’s hard every day but it’s something we have to deal with right? I remember when we used to fight and make up so quick as nothing ever happened. I miss those days. I remember when you used to know what I was thinking before I even formed my thoughts…days of understanding! I remember how we used to talk for hours, and now we don’t talk at all- there is something wrong with this picture. You always told me that you understood me more than I understood myself-so why can’t you understand me now? It’s as simple as 2 plus 2 on my part; but you don’t see it that way. It’s as simple as 1 plus 1 on your part, but I don’t see it that way. Why are we unable to understand the understandable? Is it because we don’t take time to, or because we have our different ways of learning these lessons? We are the same book but on different pages no wonder why things could never be looked at the same.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

December 2^nd I wrote a quick snippet of what I was feeling and it said: I think that it is just interesting that way things play out. You could tell someone something a million times but it’s up to them to understand what you are saying. Words are used to communicate and educated yourself as well as other individuals. Even when you use the simplest terms an individual still might not understand, so what are you to do then? I’m thinking of drawing what I am trying to say now since my words don’t seem to work.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

Things started to get crazy, my cousin was telling me about this rock song and how she like the concept of it so I looked it up, and there was a line that caught my attention so quick. You know how you always say you think God is laughing at you… well I had one of those moments. The lyrics were “Since the return from her stay on the moon, she listens like spring……”what are the odds that someone who have those words in a song put together in that order. I thought God was trying to get me to break down, but I didn’t.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry"

……Yea the blog cry

Moment of clarification

And so you know I couldn’t do for long without you. Writing has becoming my coping mechanism and so have you. “A little inspiration” is what you have always been to me and my writing. I have been writing a lot for the past 2 weeks but not with you. I just saved my words in my archive- but don’t worry they were all about you. Most of them were pertaining to emotional connections and physical ones- which is funny because of the talk we had today. But we both know Emotional connections are greater than the physical one because they leave us with more to hold on to; but often make things more difficult. And that is why I was having a difficult time.

The love that I have for you is undeniably real and one that won’t go away even when we are at our worse. The connection that we have allows us to work through anything.[looking back to one of my previous blogs: turning to you without a doubt; it explains us perfectly “We are so much the same that when things are good they are great and when we collide; we just can’t be around one another. "Something that we have been experiencing these past two weeks.]

But I understand that “We all make mistakes and sometimes we do desperate things” and that is exactly why I am not mad at the things that we discussed. Though you kept it from me for so long I understand your reasons. You care about me and you didn’t know how to say it without hurting me and in some way you didn’t want to lose me. I can’t help to wonder if I am being foolish because my feelings towards you haven’t changed but I know that when you love someone you love them even with their faults and you help them in their time of need. Love doesn’t just go away with every bad situation.

I’m not going to tell you that you should feel bad because you already do, so all I could do is let you know that it is okay and I’m glad that you took the time to let it out and tell me everything. It’s just funny how you were telling me that you knew you were being selfish trying to turn things around on me to make yourself feel better.

I know it may be hard to believe but I’m always going to be here so stop bringing up that “even if you never speak to me again” talk. And you know I will always love you ….a “Little bit.”

I'll be gone for a minute.

I haven’t been on the ferry in forever or even rode a train. It felt good today coming home for the break. Lord knows that’s exactly what I needed from Plattsburgh. Being in that town for too long eventually turns me crazy. “This city made us crazy and we must get out” a line from one of my favorite Maroon 5 song’s. I did a lot of thinking and writing on the bus it felt like a whole new way of thinking. I questioned myself a lot on the ride but it was cool it just made me think even more. I decided that I am going to take a little break from blogging for awhile just to get my mind right- seems as if I have so much going on in there and I need to clear some mental space. I missed my mommy so much and we did a lot of catching us as we started some thanksgiving cooking. She always seems to know the right things to say even when I don’t tell her what is going on. There is a line that is stuck in my head and I am not sure from what song but it’s “We all make mistakes and sometimes we do desperate things.” I couldn’t agree more. I should have known that spring wouldn’t last too long in the fall now it’s starting to get bitter cold out- I have to put up my guard I mean put on my jacket. I know these winter days are going to feel longer now that…..well. Anyway Chris is almost as tall as me now with a deep voice he is growing into a man and I don’t know how I feel about that. November has been an interesting month; I gained and I lost. I learned to never say you are going to do something if you don’t have the emotional power to do so. I learned that you should always accept a situation for what it is and never think that it is in your power to change it & I also learned that people used to be irrelevant but all of a sudden you gave them some kind of relevance now and I let that f**k with my mind. Seems as if I signed up for a role that was too hard to play but I am the greatest actress that you’ll ever meet. I learned that love is still not shit and saying it won’t change things even if it is how you really feel. I learned that my words sometimes make things worse and for that I am taking a break from this whole behind my eyes thinking and blogging thing. And lastly I learned that I can’t put someone’s feeling before my own because they wouldn’t understand it the way I do; but I am careless to that because I would still do it because I care about certain things and people a lot. Even if my mind said you didn’t matter my heart would still make me chase after you. I'm done for now, so one for now.

Music Archive

Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart-Alicia Keys

Even if you are a million miles away

I could still feel you in my bed

Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea

I could still hear it inside my head

Telling me, touch me, feel me

And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever try sleeping with a broken heart?

Well you could try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound

Why don't you hold me, need me

I thought you told me, you'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face

And I knew right where I fit in

Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love with you

Right till the end

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could've told you right from the start it's 'bout to fall apart

So rather than hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love

And I could find a way to make it, don't hold on too tight

I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Done.

If I wasn't sure before, I am now.

It takes a lot for me to do this, and I just hope that you understand.

I don't know how to explain it.....

Trial run to the ......

I claim to care about HER, but I let HER get deeper and deeper into a situation that isn’t necessarily bad but unclear on both parts. SHE is so fragile. I tried to help HER to put a veil over her heart but it ripped and showed more than she ever thought.I let HER continue and didn’t fight hard enough so that SHE wouldn’t be frustrated in the end. Does that make me a bad person-maybe I just wanted HER to be happy for the time being? This was a new experience to HER, one that SHE liked because of the thrill and who am I to stop this for HER? The thing with HER is one minute SHE is content with the way things are going and the next SHE hates it and doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore. SHE still has love for you but SHE isn’t sure if she could do this anymore and neither am I.

Sorry I took a quick trip to the moon without you.

A simple quote.

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”

-Anonymous

Untitled VIII

Often the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do. It’s easier to choose your mind over your heart even if you know it isn't right. I really don’t know where I am going with this blog. I am just writing to write, to keep myself from thinking about other things. I get so caught up every day trying to keep it all together that I sometimes I forget about me and what I’m feeling. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel as if I am fighting to survive; fighting the public, fighting myself; just fighting in general. Lately I haven’t been myself, I just been going with the days letting them pass as quickly as they could in hope of not being noticed. Trying to hold in every emotion, and just let out forced smiles and laughter. I really don’t know what it is and when it really started but it’s something that just won’t go away. I don’t know. I feel as if I am being controlled by an unknown force. One minute I think everything is getting better and the next I’m down and feeling sad again. Normally I am flowing with ideas and so energetic but lately I haven’t been in the mood to write. There is so much that goes on in my head that it is hard for me to control what I am thinking. It’s like thought after thought all full with negativity. I just have a feeling- that something is going on and it’s something big. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, but the shit that crosses your mind can kill you.

Who would have thought.......

Spring in the Fall

.I wish

I wish I had a good reason for being up at 3 in the morning but.......

it's just insomnia again.

A story

She’s pouring out her heart into this…toxic, non-growing, on-going relationship.
Once upon a time, it was something simple, amazing. Something young, yet grown, maybe innocent even.
But they lost it?
No, She lost it!
She realized what she wanted, and accepted that you would never change. Never say never, maybe one day? But one day will be too late. Almost two years and she was still singing the same song. It’s as if they were standing in time. She just wanted them to continue as the big handed turned…. She wanted them to be beautiful… to the point that their flaws made them even more perfect.
But, that was just her silly little plan. You showed her that yo had another plan in mind. And she thought who is she to mess that up to you. So she walked away.
Quietly.
Without making a scene or blasting your name. She just disappeared as if she was never there. As if you never were.
Every day it hurts her, giving up on what she wanted.
Maybe one day you will feel it.
Maybe that’s what it takes…..
for her not to be there.

Insomnia at its best.

Under 5 & 6,

6 & 7,

4 & 5,

And

3 & 4

is YOU.

This is what I think of when Insomnia is at its best.

Untitled VII

It’s funny because when I first had a clip of my multi-Epiphanies I was expecting it to deal with something completely different and trying to put everything together; but now I understand that the things that I wanted to see were probably “fed’ to my mind, and took over my thoughts to distract me from what I was really supposed to be focusing on.

Almost have it solved.

Unfinished thoughts

I’m Overflowing with ideas, yet I can’t sit still long enough to expand on it.

Fabricating the truth- You would never be looked at the same way again. You fabricated the truth to make me look bad or maybe it was so that you have something to discuss with him.

My major project- I have to start weeding them out. Everything looks too good on the outside, but it’s the inside that we need to worry about. So in that case it time to start weeding out the fakes.

At times- Sometimes I just feel like no one's on my side...like people are playing tricks on me and laughing that's exactly how it feels like they're trying to get a reaction out of me because it’s fun... and inside my heart is exploding. And I’m looking at them with these wide open eyes screaming things at them.

Talking in Circles -I talk in circles just to inspire people to think. It's like an unintentional social experiment. Just to see who's even worth my time...Most people aren't……but he is.

Memorized- I memorized your smirk, how many creases it takes to reach your cheeks --and that's the only thing--I’ll ever want to know of by heart.

A thousand - I could write a thousand blogs and they will all say the same thing. I could use a thousand words and it still wouldn’t be enough to describe what I’m trying to say. I could have a thousand chances to do something and I don’t think that it would change. If there were a thousand emotions I could feel they wouldn’t be different from one another. If there were a thousand poems I could choose from it would be the same one over and over. If there were a thousand songs I could listen to I would listen to the same one time and time again. If there were a thousand times I had to explain myself it still wouldn’t make sense.

Not the same- I’ll watch the night turn light blue (but it's not the same without you)...

A million people want you. Don’t forget me. Every day I find new places to take you.

About her- I'm pretty sure you're a compulsive liar.I warned myself about you, but I ignored it because I wanted to give you a chance. Your stories never match. It’s blatantly obvious. I don’t know what it is that makes you feel that you need to lie. You need help.

Knowledge- "Why do you underestimate my knowing?"
“Why do you underestimate it?” I could know just as much as you. "

I just don’t get it- We are too much alike……but never at the same time.

B.W.- I'm wreckless….You're beautiful and together we are beautifully wreckless.

My favorites :
John Legend- So we did it again, knowing we should quit it, but we simply won't admit it again. Oh it feels good, it's so good, but I won't do it again, it’s so dramatic again. After we go at it, we get mad then we go at it again. Oh I love it, then I hate it, she's my favorite again.”- Again

India. Arie- “I’ve been learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand, and all the things I knew, I’m learning them again.” –The heart of the matter

Robin Thicke-“ You're the only one who knows what I go through Sometimes you even feel it more than me, baby And I don't know how I ever got by without u”- Angel

Ryan Leslie-“ over the others over my pride over the faults that I have in my life, I choose you, I choose you,”- I choose you

Adele- “I know you Haven't made your mind up yet, But I would never Do you wrong”- Make you feel my love

Amy Winehouse-“ When will we get the time to be just friends, It's never safe for us not even in the evening 'because I've been drinking- Not in the morning where your shit works, It's always dangerous when everybody's sleeping And I've been thinking …Can we be alone?”- Just Friends

Corrine Bailey Rae: “Still I wonder why it is I don't argue like this, With anyone but you, We do it all the time Blowing out my mind”-Like a star “Don’t want to lose you, don’t even own you”-Choux pastry heart

Trey Songz- “How do you fix a love undone, How you even know if you're fit to love someone And when you decide to take that ride, Can you drive from the passenger’s side”- Infidelity “Girl, we’ve had our share of ups and downs But you know that I’m gonna always be around that’s for sure sho And you know how we do, how I roll And remember aint a damn thing change so Holla if you need me You always gonna be my boo Holla if you need me You know I still got you And if you ever need me to be What you need girl, I’m free and forever you can holla at me” -Holla if your need me

Alicia Keys-“ By now I should know That in time things must change, So it shouldn't be so bad So why do I feel so sad. How can I adjust, To the way that things are going, It's killing me slowly.Oh I just want it to be how it used to be”- Why do I feel so sad

Jazmine Sullivan- “If a lie is going to get me through, I rather not know the truth. And if the truth is going t make me cry, I rather just live a lie.”- Live a lie

John Mayer-“ When you're dreaming with a broken heart Then waking up is the hardest part”- Dreaming with a broken heart

Musiq Soulchild- “It would be fly if you were my b.u.d.d.y.”, “I just want a part of your heart I could borrow sometimes”- Buddy

Whitney Houston-“Cause you love is my love, and my love is your love. It would take an eternity to break us and the chains of Amistad couldn’t hold us.” Your love is my love

Lauryn Hill-“Now the joy of my world is in Zion.” – To Zion “A lasting relationship, not based on ownership, I trust every part of you, because all that I... All that you say you do You love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myself, I just can't believe that you, would have anything to do, With someone so insecure, someone so immature. Oh you inspire me, to be the higher me” -I got to find peace of mind

Maxwell-“ Cause I go insane -Crazy sometimes, Trying you to keep you from losing your mind. Open your eyes, See what’s in front of your face -Save me my fistful of tears”- Fist full of tears “Baby when we get together it’s a overdose.” –Bad Habit

Bob Marley-“Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds. Have no fear for atomic energy, cause none of them can stop the time.”- Redemption song

Beyonce-“Every now and then with out warning I can be really mean towards you. I’m a puzzle yes indeed, ever complex in every way. All the pieces aren’t even in the box, and yet you still see the picture clear as day.”- Flaws and all

Maybe one day.

Maybe one day everything would be solved, and no lies would be need to be told to me.
Maybe one day we will all understand everything and have no more questions.
Maybe one day my epiphany will be told.
Maybe one day......
but as for now it is all I could hold on to.

5:17 am

"It's at night, when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull. I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of our vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings...." ~Brian W. Aldiss

Sleep where art thou?

The early mornings

The early mornings seem to be the time that I am in tune with myself. When the world stands still and it just leaves me time to think.

The early mornings seem to be the time that I could get everything that I am feeling out. The early mornings seem to be the time where there are no interruptions or lost thoughts.

It’s the early mornings that I let all that’s been bothering me for the day out, it’s the easiest time to talk.

There is just something about these early mornings.

Knowing that I should be asleep because I have class soon- it’s still a thrill just staying up and writing what has been on my mind. I feel as if my best writing has come to me in the early mornings.

It’s the early mornings where I sometimes get lost in my thoughts, and words.

The early mornings are 4, 5 and 6 am.

When the sun is not yet out and the sky is not yet blue- those are the early morning.

The early mornings eventually captivate my mind and make me release my words so easy.

"Another Again."

The first time we ever got a chance to be alone we knew
That is was something new,
I guess that's why I was drawn to you,
The 2nd time leads to the 3rd, the 5th, the 7th time,
We were in denial, thinking it would only be that one time,
I can’t believe that you got me hooked, Oh this can’t be good, oh,
Catching feelings and actually showing them, oh I know this isn’t good

And I'm doing it again;
Yes, I'm doing it again,
Oh, I'm doing it again,
I said it would end but here it goes again,

Now it’s been weeks and we are doing what we learned to do
Me coming over and over just to come and see you
I asked you how am I ever going to learn to put my trust in you

Like you want me to, 'cause I know what you're prone to do,

Rumors catch my ears just like music does, here it goes again, oh
But you know me because, that’s what they do
The cycle never ends, never ends

Oh, they're doing it again,

Yes, it makes me do it again,

Oh, I’m doing it again,

I said it would end but here it goes again,

and again, and again

Damn, I love you, but this is crazy,

I have to fight you almost weekly,

We break up so fast,

And we, we make up so passionately,

Why can't we just trust each?

You can't hate me and be my lover

Passion ends, and pains begins, I come back...

And we're doing it again,

Then, I'm doing it again,because,

they're doing it again,

I said it would end but here it goes again.

Each time we make up again, things feel so great

I say that things will change, And then we’re strong again
Then we flashback to the first time you put your spell on me,

You envelope me, you feel good as hell to me.

One moment leads to another few,
Here it goes again, oh, oh,
Leaving you is, oh, so hard to do,
I just can't pretend, can't pretend,

I keep doing it again,

Because, they're doing it again,

Yes, We're doing it again,

I said it would end, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah

Oh, I'm doing it again,I said it would end,

oh, oh, oh, oh,

Oh, We're doing it again,

I said it would end but we just can’t end

Again.

"The funny thing is, I'm writing this while he's asleep on my couch"

Epiphany

Epiphany:

any moment of great or sudden revelation

A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.

A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization

An intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking

An illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure

a revealing scene or moment

2:04 am

"It's easier to live like you don't see nothing, even though it ain't right......"

Shot to the heart.

I shed tears cause I'm told that the heal, to tell the truth I don't know how to feel, ever felt alone in room full of friends, got big plans but leave em in suspense, pray for me.....

Determined

Determined.

So don't underestimate me.

A year ago today

A year ago today I was on my way home from School for Columbus break. My mom picks me up from the ferry and tells me she had some bad news. I had lost someone so close to family that they we called each other cousins. Those were the last words that I expected to hear, because last I heard you where in rehab and doing better; though you still weren't able to speak-you still were making progress. In life we don't know why we lose people so young but I know that you left so that you wouldn't have to go through the pain anymore. It had been close to a year and you weren't able to speak to us, walk or even do the things you loved to do. Sometimes I think about how much I miss you but then I realize it's not as bad as how much your mother, and brothers miss you. Never once did I question God about why he took you from us, because I knew he had a better plan. I just always prayed that he helped your mom and brothers to understand and cope with the situation. Rest in Perfect Peace Ms. Oyindamola Tawio, you will forever be missed.

Recap of the weekend

So I'm on my way back to school from the city on the new Trailways and they have outlets and wifi which actually works out for me. I have alot of papers to write and articles to read so I could at least attempt to do them on the bus. The weekend was good. I had fun for the most part. Cultural night was good as well as the parade despite the rain. Poor Wale got attacked by all the groupies, though I didnt get to take a picture with him my dad introduced me to him and he gave me a cd and poster. Serani was also there, he is so calm and collected. I took a picture with both him and his bodyguard. Now for the remainder of Saturday night.That had to the be the worst night yet. The funny thing is that I had a feeling that I shouldn't go out but I did anyway. So first we mad a stop to club blvd. It was okay, then went to C-pac which was crazy before entering. There was alot of mix up at the door and it took a while for us to get. Eventually after my cousins arguing with the security guard we got in. I cracked my phone so I can't see anything. SMH, and everyone was texting me all night and even now. So when I get back to school I have to go back to that big blackberry..urrrrghg SMH but whatever right now. On top of everything I was in the middle of a dam shootout in Brooklyn on the way to Malcom X Blvd.Smh At C Pac the boys were getting crazy in there it must be something about my new hair style.lmao I saw so many people from high school and it was like a reunion; The night ended........well lets just say I don't argue with drunk fools even if they are family nor do I con don stupidity.

5:50 am

Be careful with who your surround yourself with.......even if they are FAMILY.

Seriously though.

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Sometimes you need to break down and breathe.

Nothing else matters.

She could dream it up, but reality is that it’s not what it seems.
This wasn’t just fooling the public;
it was more like fooling herself.
Maybe it will be worth it in the end…….

just maybe though--

so let’s not get our hopes up.

Pinky Promise

Those are the promises that should Never be broken.

Untitled VI

"Another Again."

Words from the heart to the anonymous eye catcher.

.But to you things would never go back to the way they once used to be. Everything that we had has faded away and we are left with the memories. All my letters, notes, and gifts will mean nothing anymore. All my feelings and thoughts count for nothing anymore. So why hold back everything thats it is in me, I guess I’m free to say it all because it wouldn’t matter to you anyway.

I saw all the flaws in you but I ignored it because the good overweighed it. I knew all the lies you told but I ignored it because I knew it wasn’t as much as you told to the rest. I knew when you were keeping things from me but I let it be because I thought you were just protecting me. I let you get away with so much because I felt there was no need to argue about certain things. But when my feelings for you became stronger I grew tired of the lies and all the flaws that I knew you could change. I guess deep down in me I subconsciously thought that I could change you, I'm not really sure.

I unintentionally let down my guard; shared my thoughts with you even though I might have been rambling along the way. It takes a lot for me to express what I’m feeling. I’m used to just keeping everything to myself. But I held too much in and it hurts now. I don’t know why I expected more from you, but I just did. The mind plays tricks but the heart remains the same. As much as we argued in the past, I still felt the same way for you, because I knew things were temporary and eventually would go back to the way it used to be. I don’t know what it was that kept me holding on to whatever wasn’t even there but I guess you were my comfort zone.

I was always there for you even in the early hours of the morning answering every instant message or text. Always there even when I was sleeping, I would wake up when I heard the sound just to be there for you with whatever you needed or just to talk. Whenever you needed something I would go out of my way for you so you could never say I didn’t care because I did my part and beyond. I never disrespected you, I gave you the most respect behind closed and open doors, but you would occasionally slip up and I always forgave you because I didn’t want little things being the reason we distance ourselves for each other.

Yes, I ignored you once in a while and I admit it was childish but it was only to get through to you. To let you know that I didn’t have to be there dealing with you shit because I wasn’t obligated to do so. Honestly, I was down for you like the economy. But you couldn’t see that or you just took it for granted. So now this is what we are left with. Nothing but memories and thoughts of one another.

You said you’re not giving up but there is just no point. But like you said it doesn’t matter anymore because I said what I had to say and now I have to live with it...