5:17 am

"It's at night, when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull. I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of our vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings...." ~Brian W. Aldiss

Sleep where art thou?

The early mornings

The early mornings seem to be the time that I am in tune with myself. When the world stands still and it just leaves me time to think.

The early mornings seem to be the time that I could get everything that I am feeling out. The early mornings seem to be the time where there are no interruptions or lost thoughts.

It’s the early mornings that I let all that’s been bothering me for the day out, it’s the easiest time to talk.

There is just something about these early mornings.

Knowing that I should be asleep because I have class soon- it’s still a thrill just staying up and writing what has been on my mind. I feel as if my best writing has come to me in the early mornings.

It’s the early mornings where I sometimes get lost in my thoughts, and words.

The early mornings are 4, 5 and 6 am.

When the sun is not yet out and the sky is not yet blue- those are the early morning.

The early mornings eventually captivate my mind and make me release my words so easy.

"Another Again."

The first time we ever got a chance to be alone we knew
That is was something new,
I guess that's why I was drawn to you,
The 2nd time leads to the 3rd, the 5th, the 7th time,
We were in denial, thinking it would only be that one time,
I can’t believe that you got me hooked, Oh this can’t be good, oh,
Catching feelings and actually showing them, oh I know this isn’t good

And I'm doing it again;
Yes, I'm doing it again,
Oh, I'm doing it again,
I said it would end but here it goes again,

Now it’s been weeks and we are doing what we learned to do
Me coming over and over just to come and see you
I asked you how am I ever going to learn to put my trust in you

Like you want me to, 'cause I know what you're prone to do,

Rumors catch my ears just like music does, here it goes again, oh
But you know me because, that’s what they do
The cycle never ends, never ends

Oh, they're doing it again,

Yes, it makes me do it again,

Oh, I’m doing it again,

I said it would end but here it goes again,

and again, and again

Damn, I love you, but this is crazy,

I have to fight you almost weekly,

We break up so fast,

And we, we make up so passionately,

Why can't we just trust each?

You can't hate me and be my lover

Passion ends, and pains begins, I come back...

And we're doing it again,

Then, I'm doing it again,because,

they're doing it again,

I said it would end but here it goes again.

Each time we make up again, things feel so great

I say that things will change, And then we’re strong again
Then we flashback to the first time you put your spell on me,

You envelope me, you feel good as hell to me.

One moment leads to another few,
Here it goes again, oh, oh,
Leaving you is, oh, so hard to do,
I just can't pretend, can't pretend,

I keep doing it again,

Because, they're doing it again,

Yes, We're doing it again,

I said it would end, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah

Oh, I'm doing it again,I said it would end,

oh, oh, oh, oh,

Oh, We're doing it again,

I said it would end but we just can’t end

Again.

"The funny thing is, I'm writing this while he's asleep on my couch"

Epiphany

Epiphany:

any moment of great or sudden revelation

A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.

A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization

An intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking

An illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure

a revealing scene or moment

2:04 am

"It's easier to live like you don't see nothing, even though it ain't right......"

Shot to the heart.

I shed tears cause I'm told that the heal, to tell the truth I don't know how to feel, ever felt alone in room full of friends, got big plans but leave em in suspense, pray for me.....

Determined

Determined.

So don't underestimate me.

A year ago today

A year ago today I was on my way home from School for Columbus break. My mom picks me up from the ferry and tells me she had some bad news. I had lost someone so close to family that they we called each other cousins. Those were the last words that I expected to hear, because last I heard you where in rehab and doing better; though you still weren't able to speak-you still were making progress. In life we don't know why we lose people so young but I know that you left so that you wouldn't have to go through the pain anymore. It had been close to a year and you weren't able to speak to us, walk or even do the things you loved to do. Sometimes I think about how much I miss you but then I realize it's not as bad as how much your mother, and brothers miss you. Never once did I question God about why he took you from us, because I knew he had a better plan. I just always prayed that he helped your mom and brothers to understand and cope with the situation. Rest in Perfect Peace Ms. Oyindamola Tawio, you will forever be missed.

Recap of the weekend

So I'm on my way back to school from the city on the new Trailways and they have outlets and wifi which actually works out for me. I have alot of papers to write and articles to read so I could at least attempt to do them on the bus. The weekend was good. I had fun for the most part. Cultural night was good as well as the parade despite the rain. Poor Wale got attacked by all the groupies, though I didnt get to take a picture with him my dad introduced me to him and he gave me a cd and poster. Serani was also there, he is so calm and collected. I took a picture with both him and his bodyguard. Now for the remainder of Saturday night.That had to the be the worst night yet. The funny thing is that I had a feeling that I shouldn't go out but I did anyway. So first we mad a stop to club blvd. It was okay, then went to C-pac which was crazy before entering. There was alot of mix up at the door and it took a while for us to get. Eventually after my cousins arguing with the security guard we got in. I cracked my phone so I can't see anything. SMH, and everyone was texting me all night and even now. So when I get back to school I have to go back to that big blackberry..urrrrghg SMH but whatever right now. On top of everything I was in the middle of a dam shootout in Brooklyn on the way to Malcom X Blvd.Smh At C Pac the boys were getting crazy in there it must be something about my new hair style.lmao I saw so many people from high school and it was like a reunion; The night ended........well lets just say I don't argue with drunk fools even if they are family nor do I con don stupidity.

5:50 am

Be careful with who your surround yourself with.......even if they are FAMILY.

Seriously though.

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Sometimes you need to break down and breathe.

Nothing else matters.

She could dream it up, but reality is that it’s not what it seems.
This wasn’t just fooling the public;
it was more like fooling herself.
Maybe it will be worth it in the end…….

just maybe though--

so let’s not get our hopes up.

Pinky Promise

Those are the promises that should Never be broken.

Untitled VI

"Another Again."

Words from the heart to the anonymous eye catcher.

.But to you things would never go back to the way they once used to be. Everything that we had has faded away and we are left with the memories. All my letters, notes, and gifts will mean nothing anymore. All my feelings and thoughts count for nothing anymore. So why hold back everything thats it is in me, I guess I’m free to say it all because it wouldn’t matter to you anyway.

I saw all the flaws in you but I ignored it because the good overweighed it. I knew all the lies you told but I ignored it because I knew it wasn’t as much as you told to the rest. I knew when you were keeping things from me but I let it be because I thought you were just protecting me. I let you get away with so much because I felt there was no need to argue about certain things. But when my feelings for you became stronger I grew tired of the lies and all the flaws that I knew you could change. I guess deep down in me I subconsciously thought that I could change you, I'm not really sure.

I unintentionally let down my guard; shared my thoughts with you even though I might have been rambling along the way. It takes a lot for me to express what I’m feeling. I’m used to just keeping everything to myself. But I held too much in and it hurts now. I don’t know why I expected more from you, but I just did. The mind plays tricks but the heart remains the same. As much as we argued in the past, I still felt the same way for you, because I knew things were temporary and eventually would go back to the way it used to be. I don’t know what it was that kept me holding on to whatever wasn’t even there but I guess you were my comfort zone.

I was always there for you even in the early hours of the morning answering every instant message or text. Always there even when I was sleeping, I would wake up when I heard the sound just to be there for you with whatever you needed or just to talk. Whenever you needed something I would go out of my way for you so you could never say I didn’t care because I did my part and beyond. I never disrespected you, I gave you the most respect behind closed and open doors, but you would occasionally slip up and I always forgave you because I didn’t want little things being the reason we distance ourselves for each other.

Yes, I ignored you once in a while and I admit it was childish but it was only to get through to you. To let you know that I didn’t have to be there dealing with you shit because I wasn’t obligated to do so. Honestly, I was down for you like the economy. But you couldn’t see that or you just took it for granted. So now this is what we are left with. Nothing but memories and thoughts of one another.

You said you’re not giving up but there is just no point. But like you said it doesn’t matter anymore because I said what I had to say and now I have to live with it...

Untitled V

Mo ne fe e

.If this world were mine.

.if this world were mine.

I would spend the night in your mind

making it so the thought of me would never leave you

you'd toss and turn all through the night, feeling around hoping to find-

-me, praying I would never leave you.

.i would give you the flowers, the birds and the bees.

no baby I would give you all of me

open you up to a feeling of pure satisfaction

making you the director of this film

no lights, maybe a camera, just action

I would open all the secrets you hide

and face your fears with you

complete the things within you as I’m supposed to

.I would place at your feet, all that I own.

you've been so good to me.

take me love, to the places of your fantasy

let me fulfill them and give you ecstasy

treat you like no woman has ever done before

give you just enough, so you'd always want more

let you know that your body isn't the only thing I enjoy

but your mind is what makes takes me to the edge

takes me on that high where I’m searching for a hit, another taste

but tonight my goal is to do for you as you do to me and take you to that place

all thoughts and ponders are reality

our thoughts and ponders are reality

I would have my way with you after you've had your way with me

reaching that place time and time again

without even touching

doing this all night

.….

if this world were mine......

i'd spend the night in your mind.

--with Luther Vandross excerpts

Perfect lyrics

Holla if you need me-Trey Songz

Holla
Whoa whoa whoa Oh
I know its been a minute since we really kicked it but I just want you to know
I can't pretend that everythings all good
Nope I can't say that everythings all bad
But im gonna say that you be on my mind
How you doin, who you with, where you be at
Girl, we’ve had our share of ups and downs
But you know that im gon’ always be around that’s for sure
And you know how we do, how I roll
And remember aint a damn thing change so
Holla if you need me
You always gon’ be my boo
Holla if you need me
You know I still got you
And if you ever need me to be
What you need girl, im free and forever you can holla at me
So, holla if you need me
You always gon’ be my boo
Holla if you need me
You know I still got you
If you ever need me to be
What you need girl im free and forever you can holla at me
I still be thinkin bout the things you do
I still be thinkin bout the times we had
Don’t wanna seem like ive be missin you
But I am and damn its bad girl
Girl, we’ve had our share of ups and downs
But you know that im gon’ always be around that’s for sure
And you know how I do, how I roll
And remember aint a damn thing change so
Holla if you need me
You always gon’ be my boo
Holla if you need me
You know I still got you
And if you ever need me to be
What you need girl, im free and forever you can holla at me
So, holla if you need me
You always gon’ be my boo
Holla if you need me
You know I still got you
If you ever need me to be
What you need girl im free and forever you can holla at me
Girl, you can holla at me
Whoa whoa
Girl I really really really wanna let you know
That I really really really cant let you go
And even if we never get it back girl you can still come and holla at me (x2)
Holla if you need me
You always gon’ be my boo
Holla if you need me
You know I still got you
And if you ever need me to be
What you need girl, im free and forever you can holla at me (x2)
Girl I really really really wanna let you know
That I really really really cant let you go
And even if we never get it back girl you can still come and holla at me

Happy Birthday MJJ

R.I.P Michael J. Jackson

Still awake so I shall write.

And so it's 2:46am && I'm still awake unable to sleep for whatever reason. Monday was the first day of classes it was okay....I guess. Didn't really see much people yet but for the people who I did see......HMMM! I have no feeling for this semester just yet because it's just the beginning but I guess the weekend will tell. I think it is just funny how summer comes you miss everything and everyone and then we are back to school and you just start to be reminded about the S#%T that bothers you...smh, but whatever! A lot of people have just been frustrating me already which is kind of sad, being that we haven't even been back a week yet.

On the other hand I have a single now, which is good because I could escape everyone whenever I want- though they do still try to come bother me....I just ignore the door[evil face]; but I do miss you as a roommate Rachel.....

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.......

I SEE SOMEONE CREEPING...HEADING SOUTH WEST OF CAMPUS.

But honestly, I just feel as if I wasn't prepared to come back. I didn't shop for school at all this summer. Smh at me for slacking on my addiction, but I will do some online shopping in the morning :-) .

Well I shall try to go to sleep for real this time.

Last day

…..and at the end of my last day

“Your face would be the reason I smile.”

There must be something about you because for the past 3 years
your always the last person I see on
my last day
<3

Random thought.

"And I know it kills you inside to know that I am happy with some other guy"

:-)

OVERDOSE

No one knows about OVERDOSE.
It’s a secret.

Honestly, I’m purely attracted to him && much more.

I convinced myself early on

that he was slightly unattainable

[but it was a challenge that I was willing to take]

everyone wants what they think they can’t have

…maybe it’s the forbidden fruit theory?

I don’t know.

If you were to ask me I would say that

I really don’t like him and at the moment

I don’t but just like any other drug..

You want to chase that high you achieved the first time,

which would require a

larger and stronger

dosage until you eventually run the risk of an

OVERDOSE.

Summer '09

And so I made it through another endless summer of semi-recklessness. But that time has come again where we come to an end and move on to the fall. June and July was cool but it was August that I was looking forward to.

I went to the place that I have been dreaming about for years.

St. Thomas, Virgin Islands

the most beautiful place that I have been to yet. I met a different kind of sunshine there. Nine days of traveling 3 beautiful island and the great waters. Meeting new people every step of the way.

Having a love hate relationship for Staten Island…urrrgh it seems to be the best and worst thing for me. Seeing faces that I left behind and people I haven’t seen for years. I worked at a place that I truly think was the WORST job that I ever had.

Chilled with my sisters unfortunately no more than two times but tried SUSHI for the first time...something I thought I would never eat.

Randomly saw some people in the weirdest places

Ended a couple of friendships/relationships that weren’t good for me. Seems like people only want what they can’t have.

I went to a couple of basketball tournaments <3

Saw the Boo more than a couple of times <3

Walked the streets of Brooklyn && shopped the stores of Manhattan.

Went to get cupcakes with the Headache

Found a new T.V. show [Weeds] addiction that was introduced by Sunshine.

I spent more time with myself and it allowed me to learn more about myself.

Changed back and forth with phones like 5 times.

Planned to attend picnics that never happened smh

Spoke to the blackman every day…..smh he made me check in because he thought I was getting crazy without him.

Was introduced to a new drink or two…..Apple martini and Hennessey Black <3

Went to plenty BBQ’s and…..well you know how that goes.

&& now it back to packing to go back and unpack && saying my see you laters.

Junior year……wow I’m closer to the end now!

Bittersweet moments.

&& So this is for her

My right hand, my wonder twin, my closest cousin, my diary, my rock, my backbone. We are connected in so many ways and this is why we understand each other better than any other person. She’s been there through the best and the worst. Seriously I don’t know what I would do or how life would be if she wasn’t there. She helps me every step of the way through it all. When things are not going according to plan I could always turn to her for some kind of support. Even from far away we are still so close. Though I’m the only girl from my mother and father she is definitely nothing shorter than a sister. And this is why I dedicate this blog to her.

Untitled IV

I kept you on a pedestal no matter how many times you let me down.

[what does that say about me]

SMH

I will let you know when Im ready

So there have be a countless amount to times that I was asked why aren’t I in a relationship. Well if you truly knew and understood me then you would know why. I have said it many times before that I am at a point of my life that I am growing and learning more about myself. I don’t want to put myself in a situation that I am not quite sure that I am ready for at this moment. Some may see it as avoidance of commitment but that’s not what I see it as. I guess you could say IM LIVING THAT LIFE right now. But, I will let you know when I’m ready.

“I can’t say I’m not the girl for you….but I just might be her yet.”

-Teyana Taylor “Complicated”

Happy Birthday Mr. President

"Something"

Falling too fast

Clearly rules dont apply

Cant believe that

I just met you

You got me here watching minutes pass by

Wondering when to expect you

There you go is this a dream

Looking like every picture that

Ive seen of you before

Ive seen it all before now that its over

Should have known better

Then to think this was real

And you could be mine

Should have known better

Slowed it down

Cause I feel you needed time

But I kept thinkin

This could be something 3x

This could be 2x

This could be something 3x

Maybe its just nothing at all

But this could be something

This could be something 2x

This could be 2x

This could be something 3x

Maybe its just nothing at all

At all 2x

Maybe its just nothing at all

At all 2x

I guess its what we make it 2x

DRAKE

The tables have turned :-)

So I must admit I was wrong. I thought I understood this situation and had full control of it. What I failed to understand was that God had control of it and he helped me through it. When things weren’t going my way I asked my cousin for advice and she told me to “be on my cool out shit”. She gave me this advice plenty of times before but I can’t say that I listened to her. I felt things were working as quickly as I needed them to so I decided to give it a little shove and this turned for the worst; leaving more confused then I originally was. So this time around I decided to wait and see what was at the end of the tunnel for me. I must admit that this was the best decision that I have made yet. There is something about the summer that makes people think that they could get whatever they are after. And I have truly realized that people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone and have moved on. Yes, I know it may sound a little cliché, but it’s the truth. I know there have been many instances in my life where I wanted something simply because I didn’t want anyone else to have it.

Like I have been saying I have been undergoing a lot of personal growth throughout the past years and I am so much more comfortable with whom I am as a person. I carry myself differently. I smile more. I appreciate everyday that God gives me because no one is promised tomorrow.

Over the last summer months, there have been certain individuals trying to get back what they once lost due to their own stupidity and egos. It’s been somewhat flattering but little strange because I don’t see them in that sense anymore. I’m human so I will always have feelings for them but not in the sense of wanting to go back into the past to make it my present. I have noticed that when your past becomes your present you only get hurt twice; so this left me with the question why now?

What was it that made you realize that I’m the one that you want to be with? Was it that your new relationships weren’t working out? Or was it that he simply saw how happy I was and how I was moving on?

Regardless of the reason there was a reason why we didn’t make it. Either we didn’t live up to each other expectation; we hurt one another or didn’t feel appreciated. I’m not saying that all goodbyes are permanent; but in this case I’m not turning back to allow you to have the satisfaction of getting whatever it is that they want.

"Back then they didn’t want me...now I’m hot, they all on me."

an understanding of myself

Those who know me know that I am a very conservative person when it comes to my feelings towards another person. I keep everything hidden and undercover so that when worst comes to worst I would be able to hide how much I am hurting. But I realized with all this growing that I am doing and me trying to move on with everything that may have happened in the past it is time for me to let everything go. I have come to a point in my life where I realize that I should be happy because I deserve it. I shouldn't’t still be hurting from the things that have occurred in the past. I learned to let go and move on, I learned to be a better person-a better woman. I see myself much happier these days because I have learned to understand myself-I was so good at hiding my feelings that I realized that I was hiding them from myself as well. With that being said its time to close that chapter and that book and say my farewells.

Growth

Okay so its 3:40am and I am still awake listening to music and writing. There is just something about the nighttime that allows me to express exactly what it is that I am feeling. So much has been going on and honestly I am surprised at the way that I have been dealing with it. I have been very calm and able to keep my composure. Lately, I have been noticing my growth. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I am evolving into a woman. The little things that used to bother me I am an now able to ignore and realize that it doesn’t take much to walk away. I have learned to look at things in a mature perspective. I learned to think before I act and speak. I am becoming a better me for myself and the world to enjoy and I have full control of it. I guess it the whole leaving my teen years behind that has me thinking like this….but I like it. Even the growth of my mind is astounding to others and I must admit that college had a lot to do with it. The inside of the classroom aspect is not the only thing that I am speaking of but also the social life. I believed that I learned more about life outside of the classroom than inside. I have learned things that I wouldn’t have be able to learn elsewhere. I am truly thankful for the many things that I have learned throughout the years and the growth of my mind. I just wish the rest of the world was growing with me.

Still Closer than ever

Love && I

So they say when I fall in love it will hit me hard.

They say I’m the toughest girl they ever knew who fought love.

Love didn’t know how to treat me and

we didn’t get along so I couldn’t stay.

I move out and left town.

Love said they would never hurt me and that was a lie,

love said they will always be around through the good and bad,

that was another lie.

We just weren’t connected the way we used to be when we first met.

Love cheated on me

another thing they said they would never do-

it tired it’s hardest to break me down and it almost won

but I had to fight back.

Words of a Great Poet

The human heart is so delicate and sensitive that it always needs some tangible encouragement to prevent it from faltering in its labor. The human heart is so robust , so tough, that once encouraged it beats it rhythm with a loud unswerving insistency. One thing that encourages the heart is music . Throughout the ages we have created songs to grow on and to live by. We Americans have created music to embolden the hearts and inspire the spirits of people all over the world.

-From Letter to My Daughter

MJJ

Because you touched so many lives we must celebrate you instead of being saddened by what has occurred. I hope that you have peace where you are now.