M.SC

"You don't want to go as much as I want you to stay"

Para tu

I guess a little bit was too much to ask for, I thought that you would be able to save room in your heart for me; you say I am in there but I think you buried me another again. I knew you were just like me but I thought that eventually we could help each other to change but I guess we were just both so far gone dealing with our own emotions. Me, with my Choux Pastry heart will always care about you; that's why I told you that you could always holla if you need me. You will always be like a star across my sky; no one could replace you- you’re that special. There is just something about you. If this world were mine everything would be perfect, but nothing even matters. I will never have to try sleeping with a broken heart because I gave it up to you a long time ago when you used to love me.

...in the studio

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

You don't appreciate the time

I put into this love affair of ours baby

I couldn't let you walk around

Thinking it's alright to let me down

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

I gave you all my precious love

And anything you wanted from me

You didn't hear me calling out

Calling for your warm affection after all this time

You can't deny what I'm feeling is real

And I stood around, stood by your side

Went through all the hurt and pain

And you turned and walked away

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

Can't give up on the way you used to give it to me

Give it to me

What a feeling it's for real

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

You didn't hear me calling out

And that's not what love's about

I remember you used to love me

You used to love me every day

Now your love has gone away

I remember I remember

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

-Faith Evans "Used to love me"

I won't entertain you.

NOPE

Untitled XII

“It’s a shame , the two hearts can be so attached, but they can’t be together.”

No more "Superwoman"

9 mins and 13 seconds

.....of venting and you still don't understand. Why even bother?

The world never ceases to fascinate me; or should I say people. Maybe it is me who puts on the front that nothing bothers me and that I am always happy. Everyone always expects me to be that superwoman. The one that can handle every situation with a smile and not be stressed or hurt about anything; but I’m not. I always let things build up inside and then randomly have my breaking points off the smallest things. I always say that I need to stop letting everyone’s problems and the things that they do bother me but I guess I can’t. I noticed that I always going up and beyond for people and sometimes that can never return the gesture; not that I am waiting for it. Sometimes I really feel like breaking down and crying, but I just cover it with a smile- I don’t know why I do it. I guess it’s the fear of appearing weak. I always give the advice to people that they shouldn't put other's happiness before their own but time and time again I do just that and each time I notice that some aren't as grateful as I would be.

Quote

“Make peace with your past so it doesn't mess up the present.”

A quote that I love and value.

I did just that but sometimes the past isn’t content with the way things turn out

and does things that make me react negatively and affect the present.

I think it’s time for a change of number.

Dark blue to Light blue

I remember when we used to do this;

a everyday ritual from dark blue to light blue.

I almost felt as if those times were coming back;

but then I realized I had to put my

dark blue to walk in the light blue.

Untitled XI

I just knew we were trouble when we first met

Maybe we should let them know

Reflection

It was as if I was looking in a mirror staring back at someone I once was. She was so young in the face and young in the heart and mind. Not knowing much and hardly experiencing anything at all; just so naïve about the world and what it had to offer. Wishing I could go back into that time to help guide her and warn her that not everyone is the way you want them to be; but everything that she would experience would help her to be the one I am today.

No I don’t know everything or do have the answers to this mysterious world; but I am more alert with things and more understanding of it. I know how to handle things better than I did once before. I grew into this person who sometimes makes me think and question myself about who I am.

I don’t remember getting to this point in my life it’s as if I evolved over the years without noticing. I never really realize the growth of my mind until I begin to speak or until I am put into certain situations.

Sometimes I sit and think about the things that I have learned and experience over the years. Every time I am hit with a new challenge I just think back to my past adversaries and that gives me faith and trust that I would be able to get through whatever comes my way.

A forwarded email from my mommy :-)

She has that motherly sense and always unknowingly knows when I need words of wisdom.

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people.

As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don't help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.

Consider this:
Never receive counsel from unproductive people.
Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how.
Not everyone has a right to speak into your life.
You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.
Don't follow anyone who's not going anywhere.

With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it.

Be careful where you stop to inquire for direction along the road of life.

Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships.

If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.

"A Mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses."

The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate - for the good and the bad.

Note: Be not mistaken.
This is applicable to family as well as friends.
Yes. do love, appreciate and be thankful for your family, for they will always be your family no matter what. Just know that they are human first and though they are family to you, they may be a friend to someone else and will fit somewhere in the criteria above

"In Prosperity Our Friends Know Us. In Adversity We Know Our Friends."
"Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them".

"If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude."

Colin Powell

I guess I never told you that>>

Since I was younger I was always able to cover and hide the things that hurt me the most. Most people who know me believe that I am a person who is passionless and doesn’t let many things bother me; but in actually I am the total opposite I am just good at hiding it. I don’t like to show people what bothers me for the simple fact they would know what to do and say to get to me. What I started to realize is that when people did something wrong to me I wouldn’t react to it, it may be hard to believe but I am quick to forgive especially if I care for someone. And I guess it is my fault because I let so many people who are close to me get away with a lot of things that actually did hurt me but I just never spoke on the issue. I am the type of person who would be mad at someone for 10 minutes and forgive them, or I would just dismiss the issue and suppress my emotions and feelings. But as of late, I feel as if people have really been testing me, whether it is with their words or actions. Maybe this is a new epiphany and I have been oblivious to the situation before but now I see it clear as day. That phone call today took the cake. I had no choice but to get a little crazy, so that my point was taken seriously. I never really understood why people think that they could pop up in your life whenever they feel like it- so I had to start hurting feelings, and I didn’t feel the least bit bad about it. J

2:17 am [2-4-10]

...sometimes I feel as if my words are the only thing I could turn to.

...winter break epiphany

It’s as if I knew it for about a while but was unable to properly articulate what was going on. I had words and thoughts running through my mind but I wasn’t sure of the sequence to make then make sense. But then it hit me- my words were finally placed in the right order and my thoughts finally began to make sense. In life you meet people or you grow up with people who you think are in your life for a reason; whether it is to teach you a lesson, have a certain influence in your life or grow with you to become a better person. I always applied this concept with people who I have met over the years; I never thought that I would have to apply it to people who I knew my entire life. In life when you meet people it never crosses your mind that they might not be there to the end with you, or that they would change so drastically that you don’t want to be around them you think that they should be there forever and not change for the worse as it should be. I know that there are certain things that occur in life that make people change; which I always hope their change is for the better; but when someone changes their ways for another person; the way that they act and what they do- it starts to become questionable; especially when that change isn’t for the best. It is one thing if one person tells you about your drastic change but when a hand full of people speaks on it; that is when you should evaluate yourself and the situation. I never really understood how people could choose a certain individual over their family. Yes I know the quote about liking to learn the hard way; but when the hard way could be extremely costly that’s when I start to become worried.

Intuition

Intuition:

is the apparent ability to acquire knowledge without inference or the use of reason

The providing of beliefs that we cannot necessarily justify

....still waiting

Back to a place where thoughts flow more clearly.

...

There are certain things that occur that we are not in control of;

it happens in this thing called LIFE.

Untitled X

Her: I don’t miss you or anything, but I want to know if you miss me

Him: Well okay. I do hypothetically speaking of course

[Sometimes I just don't get them.]

Shhhh...

"There aren’t many more ways

And words that I can say

So I’ll just say it numerically

From my heart to you 143"

Talking in circles...just to amuse myself

…..I talk in circles as an unintentional social experiment to see who would take the time to really understand. Most people don't. But he does......at times.

“I hate when you do this.”

Is often the response I get from him.

It's really unintentional sometimes, but I mostly do it on purpose. I became a professional at it; asking him the same question over and over in different ways just to avoid the real question that should be asked.

Yea, I know I am weird.

but he is too.

Then there are times that I just take things for what they are and I'm content. But then sometimes questions cross my mind making me go from being content to frustrated.

Then it causes distance.

At times I feel as if I don't know him

and that he doesn't know me.

Then there are times that I feel that we know each other a little too much

which still causes me to distance myself from him,

I am afraid of attachment I guess.

People often try to play apart of what this is. Trying to figure things out. But I talk in circles to them too leading them to believe what they want to think they solved from my words.

Don't confirm anything right....keep avoiding their questions..

And i do just that and hide my emotions because sometimes they can get the best of me.

"If you let your emotions take over you will discover that you are not in control anymore."

Don't examine it because you will never win against my mind...I talk in circles to amuse myself.

Untitled IX

Maybe you deserve a special place in my… but I am afraid to let your reside there so I just keep you close to it

"You're the only one who knows what I go through, and sometimes you feel it more than me..."

-Robin Thicke "Angels"

Extremes.

We go through extremes

........either too high or too low. There is never an in between. It never fails it is the same emotional cycle time and time again- one that we refuse to change though we know it can be costly. We have been blinded by the great moments. When everything is GREAT we forget about how it was once at its worse until reach there again. Each time things go wrong it gets worse and worse and harder to forgive or forget.

The crazy thing is....

....maybe

Waiting for....that RED light

Most people wait for the green light, but not I. It is the red light that I constantly wait for. I could sit there for minutes waiting for the light to turn from green to red. Constantly looking a way hoping that when I turn back the light would be red. Sometimes it is, sometimes isn’t. It comes when I least expect-when I start to become tired, or when I try to keep myself busy; but I always have time for the red light. When it’s red it blinks periodically waiting to be checked; but I sometimes ignore it as if I wasn’t waiting for it all this time. Then I become anxious and eventually pick it up. I wish it was like a traffic light where there is a yellow light so that I know when the red light would be coming; but it doesn’t work that way unfortunately. If I think I am waiting too long I give you the red light.

So I got to make the...

.Blog Cry

"I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry"

I don’t know if it is weird or not but I can’t cry about the things that have occurred over the past week. Though it was mind changing information I still can’t bring myself to let tears fall. I guess because somewhere in my mind I knew that there was something being hidden from me- so being that I already prepared myself it didn’t hit me as hard.

Random thoughts allow me to eventually get out what I am trying to say. For a while I was unable to find the right words to explain the way that I was feeling. Seriously there is something about “early mornings” that allow me to get everything out. It is like a time of seriousness and I don’t talk in circles with what I have to say. A time of privacy when I am able to let out all that has been bothering me without holding back, and you are able to listen and understand. I have made up my mind that these “early mornings” are the only time that I will speak to you about things like this. We always spoke about things in the “early mornings” and I was able to speak without an issue but when it is face to face, it is so much better for me because I could see your initial reaction to things, there is no backspacing or anything like that.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

Awkwardness fills the room and it is so hard to deal with. What do I say, how do I act? I feel as if everyone knows and expects for me to act the worst; but instead I do the complete opposite. I go on as if nothing ever happened. They are all worried thinking I would eventually break down but that will not be the case. They don’t seem to understand why I am going on this way, and I can’t seem to find the right words that would allow them to understand. All I do is smile and reassure them that I am fine when they bring up the issue. I know deep inside they don’t believe me but that is the honest truth. I had two heart to hearts and it allowed me to resolve any issues that I had and get the answers to questions that I pondered about. So I am content. A part of me doesn’t want to bring up anything to them because I don’t want to hear their thoughts on the issue; I wish that they could understand that I need them to listen more than I need them to talk. With them saying their thoughts on the issue I would eventually become frustrated because I had the same thoughts and it’s something that I don’t think about anymore because that chapter is resolved and closed. I just look at it as I have my own thoughts on what I should do and how I will handle things so I don’t need theirs in my head confusing me the more. I know that they are looking out for me but I guess there are just certain things that I rather not hear right now.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

I know that I didn’t speak much about how I was feelings when we weren’t talking but I did some writing. My initial thoughts were full of disappointment in everything and the way it ended. I wrote day after day not posting.

December 3^rd I wrote: I don’t know, I thought we were better than this. It kills me every time we cross paths and walk pass each other as if “we” never existed. It’s even worse when we are in the same room (no more than six feet from each other) and we don’t utter a single word to one another, no type of contact at all. Leaving me to wonder if we ever knew each other. Maybe I never met you and I dreamt everything up in my own world. That’s the way it feels when I see you now. It’s hard every day but it’s something we have to deal with right? I remember when we used to fight and make up so quick as nothing ever happened. I miss those days. I remember when you used to know what I was thinking before I even formed my thoughts…days of understanding! I remember how we used to talk for hours, and now we don’t talk at all- there is something wrong with this picture. You always told me that you understood me more than I understood myself-so why can’t you understand me now? It’s as simple as 2 plus 2 on my part; but you don’t see it that way. It’s as simple as 1 plus 1 on your part, but I don’t see it that way. Why are we unable to understand the understandable? Is it because we don’t take time to, or because we have our different ways of learning these lessons? We are the same book but on different pages no wonder why things could never be looked at the same.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

December 2^nd I wrote a quick snippet of what I was feeling and it said: I think that it is just interesting that way things play out. You could tell someone something a million times but it’s up to them to understand what you are saying. Words are used to communicate and educated yourself as well as other individuals. Even when you use the simplest terms an individual still might not understand, so what are you to do then? I’m thinking of drawing what I am trying to say now since my words don’t seem to work.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

Things started to get crazy, my cousin was telling me about this rock song and how she like the concept of it so I looked it up, and there was a line that caught my attention so quick. You know how you always say you think God is laughing at you… well I had one of those moments. The lyrics were “Since the return from her stay on the moon, she listens like spring……”what are the odds that someone who have those words in a song put together in that order. I thought God was trying to get me to break down, but I didn’t.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry"

……Yea the blog cry

Moment of clarification

And so you know I couldn’t do for long without you. Writing has becoming my coping mechanism and so have you. “A little inspiration” is what you have always been to me and my writing. I have been writing a lot for the past 2 weeks but not with you. I just saved my words in my archive- but don’t worry they were all about you. Most of them were pertaining to emotional connections and physical ones- which is funny because of the talk we had today. But we both know Emotional connections are greater than the physical one because they leave us with more to hold on to; but often make things more difficult. And that is why I was having a difficult time.

The love that I have for you is undeniably real and one that won’t go away even when we are at our worse. The connection that we have allows us to work through anything.[looking back to one of my previous blogs: turning to you without a doubt; it explains us perfectly “We are so much the same that when things are good they are great and when we collide; we just can’t be around one another. "Something that we have been experiencing these past two weeks.]

But I understand that “We all make mistakes and sometimes we do desperate things” and that is exactly why I am not mad at the things that we discussed. Though you kept it from me for so long I understand your reasons. You care about me and you didn’t know how to say it without hurting me and in some way you didn’t want to lose me. I can’t help to wonder if I am being foolish because my feelings towards you haven’t changed but I know that when you love someone you love them even with their faults and you help them in their time of need. Love doesn’t just go away with every bad situation.

I’m not going to tell you that you should feel bad because you already do, so all I could do is let you know that it is okay and I’m glad that you took the time to let it out and tell me everything. It’s just funny how you were telling me that you knew you were being selfish trying to turn things around on me to make yourself feel better.

I know it may be hard to believe but I’m always going to be here so stop bringing up that “even if you never speak to me again” talk. And you know I will always love you ….a “Little bit.”

I'll be gone for a minute.

I haven’t been on the ferry in forever or even rode a train. It felt good today coming home for the break. Lord knows that’s exactly what I needed from Plattsburgh. Being in that town for too long eventually turns me crazy. “This city made us crazy and we must get out” a line from one of my favorite Maroon 5 song’s. I did a lot of thinking and writing on the bus it felt like a whole new way of thinking. I questioned myself a lot on the ride but it was cool it just made me think even more. I decided that I am going to take a little break from blogging for awhile just to get my mind right- seems as if I have so much going on in there and I need to clear some mental space. I missed my mommy so much and we did a lot of catching us as we started some thanksgiving cooking. She always seems to know the right things to say even when I don’t tell her what is going on. There is a line that is stuck in my head and I am not sure from what song but it’s “We all make mistakes and sometimes we do desperate things.” I couldn’t agree more. I should have known that spring wouldn’t last too long in the fall now it’s starting to get bitter cold out- I have to put up my guard I mean put on my jacket. I know these winter days are going to feel longer now that…..well. Anyway Chris is almost as tall as me now with a deep voice he is growing into a man and I don’t know how I feel about that. November has been an interesting month; I gained and I lost. I learned to never say you are going to do something if you don’t have the emotional power to do so. I learned that you should always accept a situation for what it is and never think that it is in your power to change it & I also learned that people used to be irrelevant but all of a sudden you gave them some kind of relevance now and I let that f**k with my mind. Seems as if I signed up for a role that was too hard to play but I am the greatest actress that you’ll ever meet. I learned that love is still not shit and saying it won’t change things even if it is how you really feel. I learned that my words sometimes make things worse and for that I am taking a break from this whole behind my eyes thinking and blogging thing. And lastly I learned that I can’t put someone’s feeling before my own because they wouldn’t understand it the way I do; but I am careless to that because I would still do it because I care about certain things and people a lot. Even if my mind said you didn’t matter my heart would still make me chase after you. I'm done for now, so one for now.

Music Archive

Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart-Alicia Keys

Even if you are a million miles away

I could still feel you in my bed

Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea

I could still hear it inside my head

Telling me, touch me, feel me

And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever try sleeping with a broken heart?

Well you could try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound

Why don't you hold me, need me

I thought you told me, you'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face

And I knew right where I fit in

Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love with you

Right till the end

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could've told you right from the start it's 'bout to fall apart

So rather than hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love

And I could find a way to make it, don't hold on too tight

I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had

Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Done.

If I wasn't sure before, I am now.

It takes a lot for me to do this, and I just hope that you understand.

I don't know how to explain it.....

Trial run to the ......

I claim to care about HER, but I let HER get deeper and deeper into a situation that isn’t necessarily bad but unclear on both parts. SHE is so fragile. I tried to help HER to put a veil over her heart but it ripped and showed more than she ever thought.I let HER continue and didn’t fight hard enough so that SHE wouldn’t be frustrated in the end. Does that make me a bad person-maybe I just wanted HER to be happy for the time being? This was a new experience to HER, one that SHE liked because of the thrill and who am I to stop this for HER? The thing with HER is one minute SHE is content with the way things are going and the next SHE hates it and doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore. SHE still has love for you but SHE isn’t sure if she could do this anymore and neither am I.

Sorry I took a quick trip to the moon without you.