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What fashion is this that I continue to write in? I turn the music on and connect my pen to my paper or my fingers to this keyboard- and it just flows. The sweet tender lyrics on top of the melody allow me just go off into a place that I never saw myself going before. This is the only time that I have to speak my mind and say what is on my heart; without being judged about the things that pour out. To know me is to love me for what I stand for, and what exactly is it that I stand for? For a long time I used to bury everything that I saw behind these eyes but now I am telling all. I will speak my mine and let this pen flow in whatever fashion it decides to, let my fingers hit the keyboard in whatever pattern they want. Everything that I write isn’t golden, sometimes I make mistakes and grammatical errors but I’m okay with that because I’m not perfect. Sometimes when the music is playing and I’m writing about something that pertains to my life tears fall, and before I post it I think twice “Am I really ready for people to know what I’m feeling?” This fashion that I blog in is different and I like that, because we are not the same, and we go through different phases in our lives and feel different ways about different things. How could I let any situation get the best of me, when I know that I continue to give the best of me? My style of writing-hmm... I do admit that I have bipolar thoughts, but that is a part of me, one minute I could feel one way about something and the next I could feel the total opposite. I get so caught up every day trying to keep it all together. At times I feel as if I’m at odds with the world; when it doesn’t understand me and I don’t understand it; but It’s okay because times like this I blog so that I remember who I am and what I feel.

The Truth or a Lie.

She is trying to stay focus, but her mind isn’t right.

You ask her what is wrong and she tells you nothing that everything is fine.
Lie.

She doesn’t know what she wants; she doesn’t even understand herself so she doesn’t expect you to understand her either.
Truth.

She tried to bury every kind of feeling that she had for you since day one and now the only person who she is hurting right now is herself.

There are two ways that we could go about this. THE TRUTH OR A LIE, but they would both make her cry.

Please don’t make her choose. She rather not say anything at all.

She is trying to stay focus, but her mind isn’t right.

She knows they say you have to take the good with the bad, the happy and the sad; buts she just wants the positives none of the negatives.

She tries to keep busy so that you won’t come to mind, but it doesn’t seem to work; because when nighttime comes you’re the only thing on her mind.

There are two ways that we could go about this. THE TRUTH OR A LIE, but they would both make her cry.

She feels like she has been here before with you.
Truth.

But now she is confused and doesn’t know what to do.
Truth.

She thought she understood this but she was wrong because she is feeling like this.

She will never let you get the best of her.
Lie.

You already got her.
Truth.

And she feels like she is too deep in.
Truth.

She is trying to stay focus, but her mind isn’t right.

There are two ways that we could go about this. THE TRUTH OR A LIE, but they would both make her cry.

She hates you.
Lie.
She hates you.
Lie.
She hates you.
Lie.
She loves you.
Truth.

She pushes you away so you won’t come to mind.
Truth.

Your always on her mind.
Truth.

She wants to tell you the truth, but she just can’t so she
LIES
LIES
LIES
LIES
LIES
until it eats her inside; She has something with her pride, that everything that she is feeling for you she has to hide.

There are two ways that we could go about this. THE TRUTH OR A LIE, but they would both make her cry.

The Dynamics

I shut out all of my thoughts, I hated my heart and mind because I knew that I was falling in love and I was powerless to stop myself. I feel like I’m in crazy competition with myself, and it’s a battle that I’m honestly tired of fighting. I knew that the moment that I allowed myself to feel it to its fullness everything I was feeling would be swept out of myself with fear and despair. So I held an attitude toward myself of iron and sternness, I kept my consciousness behind a wall. I knew that the moment that I allowed what I was feeling to fully enter my consciousness that I would no longer see myself in the same way. So I denied my feelings and acted tough. I’m in crazy competition with myself, and it’s a battle that I’m honestly tired of fighting.

So far gone.

She is slipping,
She is falling
She is tripping.
She is so far gone....

I hope she can make a return.

SHE LIES TO HERSELF SO MUCH THAT SHE IS BELIEVING EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT HER MOUTH. WHAT SHE FAILS TO REALIZE IS THAT SHE IS FOOLING NO ONE;

but herself.

How can someone who knows the game so well be this so far gone? But there is nothing left to say; all the evidence and proof is right in front of her face, basically in her hands but she still chooses to disregard it all.

Dam, she is so far gone

Strategically thinking

She always knew how to map things out in a way for it to make sense. When she did, things were perfectly arranged. There was no room for mistakes. One plus One always had to add to two; nothing more, nothing less. She was always on top of her game, her calculation skills were on point, until that day…. That day that changed her way of thinking forever. The calculations no longer added up, and the plans were falling apart. See, her strategy really didn’t have to do with mathematics, or anything like that. It was a strategy that she used for the outside world, a strategy not to fall in love – something that she wanted nothing to do with. So she dealt her cards and played the game. She just knew for sure that she would always come out on top, making a sucker every minute of the day. The fear of falling in love was always at the back of her mind, so she became a strategical thinker this way she would never fall and always come out standing. But she did it in a way that kept it from coming to her mind, because it would come in the form of a hard sharp feeling. She confused her emotions and made herself fell instinctively that it would be better to push every man away. But she kept this knowledge of her fear thrust firmly down in herself, hidden from her consciousness. She brushed men away because that was the best way to shield her from love. This was the way that she lived; she went day in and day out trying to gratify powerful impulses in the emotion that she feared. Females envied her because she made every male fall in love with her and left them heartbroken, until one day she felt that same burning sensation in her own heart- the pain so unbearable that she began to feel weak in her knees and somewhat nauseous. She didn’t really understand what was going on, just that her stratigical way of thinking was now broken down.

A.F.R.A.I.D.

I'm afraid to be your friend because I'm always going to want more, but I rather have you as a friend than not have you at all.

Losing herself

TELL HIM: BY LAURYN HILL
One of my favorite songs.



Let me be patient let me be kind

Make me unselfish without being blind

Though I may suffer I'll envy it not

And endure what comes

Cause he's all that I got and tell him...

Tell him I need him

Tell him I love him

And it'll be alright

Tell him be alright be alright

Tell him tell him I need him

Tell him I love himIt'll be alright

Now I may have faith to make mountains fall

But if I lack love then I am nothin' at all

I can give away everything I possess

But left without love then I have no happiness

I know I'm imperfect

And not without sin

But now that I'm older all childish things endand tell him...

Tell him I need him

Tell him I love him

And it'll be alright

Tell him be alright be alright

Tell him tell him I need him

Tell him I love himIt'll be alright

I'll never be jealous

And I won't be too kind

Cause love is not boastful

Oooh and love is not loud

Tell him I need him

Tell him I love him

Everything's gonna be alright

Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on Earth

But if I speak wrong then what is it worth?

See what we now know is nothing compared to the love that was shown when our lives were sparedand tell him...

Tell him I need him

Tell him I love him

And it'll be alright

Tell him be alright be alright

Tell him tell him I need him

Tell him I love him

It'll be alright

She is losing herself, but to what? The drugs and fame! How could someone who is able to put words into such a powerful message with such strong meaning be so lost, One of the most powerful lyricist be so far gone.

Just Like me.

We fight. We Argue. WE FIGHT. WE ARGUE.
But we aren't together; so really what is there to fight over?
The lost, mixed and confused feelings- is what I see.
How could I ever try to explain the situation between us!
It like..... you know...wait you don't, because I don't, because WE don't.
Its a constant battle with myself. Which role do I play?
But you yourself don't know and I'm trying to figure it out for both you and me.
I don't know what it is, and not that I want it to stop, but I need it to be more understandable.
When I speak my mind to you, you always take it the wrong way.
And when you speak your mind to me, I take it the wrong way.
You do one thing I get mad, I do the same you get mad.
It just frustrates me how we are so much a like, but still refuse to understand one another.
But maybe we are getting there, because it took me a while to understand that you are
JUST LIKE ME

"We were so the same, I don't know why I didn't see it baby, there ain't no point to feeling blue, your just like me and I'm just like you"-Jamie Foxx

Somethings are better left unsaid; but in a situation like this- There is too much to say, so why hold back. Usually when it comes to things like this I like to hold back because my personal feelings it has nothing to do with the third party....... BUT this is different.

You know nothing about him, and this isn't love... Infatuation..... maybe. Your judgement and decision making become so blinded when it comes to men, your left blinded and unstable. We always said that we would always be honest with one another when it comes to things like this so here it is. The path that both you are on now.... he is going to ruin you. You known him for what 90 days and this is love? No. You tell him every little thing that goes on in your life. Its clear that he doesnt trust you; asking you question after question, traveling to make sure your nothing doing anything "Your not supposed to be doing." He controls you and you don't even see it. Your blinded by his sun looking skin, and the accent that he mixes with his words. Im looking from the outside in and nothing good will come out of this. At first I thought maybe I'm going to strong with this but your family and if Im not going to tell you the truth then who will. I don't like to fight with family, because your the one who is suppose to be there more than any other person, but I think this is the only way for you to know that Im serious. He is someone that I could never grow to like, inconsiderate, rude, and not worthy of even being someone I could see myself sitting down and talking to. So Im telling you this now, because all of the signs are there. He will ruin you if you continue on this path that you are on with him.