In front of my eyes

And here goes my farewell to you BlogSpot.

From day one you were my comfort zone; a place where I learned to open up after prior issues with doing so. You helped me grow in many more ways than one. Though sometimes you may have not understood me and what I left to linger on this page I knew if I gave you sometime you would eventually catch it. So I came to you hours and sometimes days at a time. I’ve geared away many times before giving up on everything that we shared but it wasn’t long before I returned.

Special connections made in a complex situation while processing his thoughts-logically on love- behind my eyes. As complicated as that may sound that is how complicated it is or we made it.

Analyzing and looking back on everything now is difficult for me; because this is a situation that I never saw myself being in since I never meant to develop these kind of feelings for you. And what I realized is that as we grow we learn to invest more in each “relationship” that we build with others, and with every “relationship” lost you lose a part of yourself and whatever feelings that you have devoted to it.

So yes I’m a bit hurt because I thought I was compromising with someone who cared about me but in reality I was holding back for something that never truly existed. I want and wanted so much to believe that things would get better but that’s a wish that I let go a couple of days ago.

And though I will always- always have love for you, I have to accept the fact that love doesn’t change the negative; and I’m content with my decision because I know that “I've only tried to be there for you”. I just hope one day you see everything the way that it really is-not my way or yours- just the way it truly is.

.suoiruc tsuj

XIII

So she sits and wonders what’s left of her.

No looking behind her eyes this time.

She could never love someone as much as she loves you,

where you end she begins-

it's like a river running through.

Take her heart and take her eyes because she will need them no more;

If never again they will fall upon the one she adores.

Constant thought

Let me know when you're ready to talk

We go through extremes…I swear it was all GREAT just a week ago.

BUT

“I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else

I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself

I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart…who holds my heart”

-Luther Vandross

I don't want to fight or argue

So I'm sorry

The demise of love

It’s all psychological; it is only felt when you are left alone with your thoughts. When not a soul is around to interfere with you and yourself; the second you sit knowing you accomplished everything that needed to be done for the day. Evaluating situations around you and noticing that things haven’t been going your way- fighting yourself over things and feelings that you can’t possibly change. Not wanting to let go or walk away but wanting to loosen your grip and take that one step back. Tears flowing down your cheeks, leaving you frustrated that it’s dripping on your neck bone and eventually hitting your shirt. So what are you left to do now? You know it all bothers you now but tomorrow you will forget all about how you are feeling at this very moment- it’s like the monster under the bed that only comes out at night, but during the day it is nowhere to be found and you are brave enough to look for it.

Late night insecurities

“I’ve loved the stars too fondly to be afraid of the night” but when the night hits it’s not only me, my thoughts come rushing in never leaving me alone in my darkest hour. I will never understand how I wouldn’t let certain things cross my mind during the day but once the night hits that’s when my mind wants to think of every and anything leaving me confused and somewhat insecure. I constantly find myself in the same place over and over again. Left not knowing if things are really what they appear to be or if I’m thinking too much into it. I tried hard to run far away from you but you somehow caught up to me Love. A word that is so easy to utter but difficult to define. "I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like".

He always said my eyes tell it all...

well to him at least.

;-)

I love him even more when his thoughts are processed.

FRIENDS 'n friends

"We don’t know how to be in a relationship because we never truly tried." We don’t know how to be just friends because each time we try our feelings collide…

“Privacy (in love) presents as many problems as it does possibilities.”

dear blogspot,

I’ve been gone for a while but I never truly left, my heart still remains here with you. I guess I just don’t know how to show it anymore so I kind of….distance myself from you. Knowing what I want to say but never letting it come out because confusion is the last thing I want to linger. I feel that so much has been going on that I could speak on but the state that I have been in I just choose to ignore it; but now "I'm back like I never ever left".

The war 'WALE'

"Just another product of this matrix

This maze I'm in amazes me at times

I just wanted to be at peace with you

And if I gotta settle for a piece of you,

then I gotta say peace to you.

With all due respect I do respect you enough to expect...

effort is all i ask for

If we gonna last more, I gotta ask for more

and if that means that I'm askin' for too much

I'm sure we'll end up as our last or...past

we bash, we blast

we shoot, we lose

we pass...war"

So much is bothering me, but I try and hide it all with a smile and constant laughter.

Senior Year

A.H.

R.I.P. Aaliyah

worth a thousand words, right?

8.18.2010

And I guess sometimes I lack inspiration,

or I'm full of too much of it; not knowing what direction to go in.

Lack on inspiration

Lack of inspiration is what I have been filled with these last couple of months. Always have the urge to write but nothing seems to come out anymore- its as if I writer's block that won't go away. Sometimes I try my best to let things flow becoming one with my thoughts and music but nothing hits the page.

No clicking from the keyboard, just nothing.

I repeatedly ask myself did I lose it?

My wanting to write and share; what happened to me? I used to be able to write long blogs and still not feel accomplished. These days I struggle to even get a paragraph out to make sense. Its as if my thoughts are all over the place as to what approach I want to take with my writing.

8.02.2010

They say if you love something you got to let it go and if it comes back it means so much more; but if it never does at least you know that it was something you had t go through to grow –Heather Headley “in my mind”

because things kept fall apart.

Building my thoughts for them to finally come together to make sense; but it would eventually fall back down by some sort of distraction. A lot had fell apart over the last couple of months- whether it be friendships or relationships…nothing was pretty much the same anymore. A drastic change in some people and the more I tried to ignore the changes the more I saw myself distancing myself from it all. In the beginning I tried to defend the actions of them but then I began to see that it was something I didn’t even understand to defend. So an ear I became without uttering any words because the advice given wouldn’t be taken. Cool is something we will always remain but to be looked at the same way is something I don’t see happening.

that took me months to build

I am my biggest distraction. My mind could wonder for long periods of time without me even noticing. Sometimes I feel that it is difficult to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I guess you can say “My heart is in two different places”

to my masterpiece

It starts and ends with you. “Things have been so crazy and hectic”, didn’t really know how to be certain with the way I was feeling because emotions change time after time. I guess you can say I always knew a decision needed to be made; and I knew that I would be the one to do so- but it was something that I prolonged- until I realized that there would be causalities- ME being the main one. I chose to wait for a time that my choice would be made from acceptance and not anger or frustration. You know that I care so very deeply about you; and I know for me you feel the same. It’s hard for me to let these letters gather together to say what you are about to read. So I will hold out a little longer because I feel things changing again, just know that "I'll always love ya; and I hope you feel the same".

The introduction

My thoughts are rambling all over. I hope everything that needs to be said is understood without difficulty. I guess you could say I haven’t been completely honest these last few months as to the way I felt about certain things or people. I guess the way to explain it is “the feeling ain't the same because people ain't the same”. I kept most of what was felt to myself because I needed to be certain that it wasn't me who was doing the changing; so I took a step back and observed..............

3:45am

it Shouldn't be this way

Take a look at things from behind my eyes and see what I choose to deal with.

6.22.2010

The book

I already gave you the prefix....so here's the book.

Words from the heart are what capture my mind. Words put together from the mind and heart can define the story behind one’s eyes. Eyes of silence is what he has, he sees but don’t speak- feeling everything but keeping everything bottled up inside. I would never understand what it is with him that makes him lock up all your feelings deep inside, standing alone deep within his own mind, but then again I guess I do the same at times

It’s crazy now because though I want so much for things to just go back to however they used to be- there is something not allowing me to do just that. In some kind of way I feel as if I was let me down and I feel bad for thinking this way after everything explained but I just can’t shake the feeling…I’m sorry. He said that he will always be there, but he wasn’t truly there when I needed him to be. After a while i just learned to accept whatever was appearing to be happening and left any feeling of anger behind because "basically to see a change in me, I'll be losing, so I just ignore[d] you" and began to become okay with the way things were.

It was just my mind and my heart going back and forth, pondering on what needed to be done. Writing and music is my source of therapy and it is something that I look forward to when I need to get thoughts and feelings out. At the time I knew how much I needed to get my thoughts out but I knew that I couldn’t do it solely from behind my eyes. I needed to the input of my heart and mind, and that’s what I did away from everyone else, it was something that I needed to do for me.

Each time I write I feel that I share more and more of my heart with him. You see the eye-catchers don’t quiet understand every word that leaves my mind and hits this page the way he does. I guess that’s why sometimes it’s hard for me to write everything that I am feeling on here and with every blog I post it becomes harder for me to express the way I am feeling because I feel that I felt it all before. There are many things I would like to say, but I don't know how. So I will just leave it like that...

They say it's the one you pay the least attention to is the one that cares the most...

Drowning*

And at the back of my mind I know that you are drowning me with your words. Hoping that I would soak in them and believe every phrase and sentence that comes out of your mouth. Wanting me to believe what you say with no questions to follow. When the questions start it so easy to see how much everything doesn’t really add up. Never really been the confrontational one with you so I try to let things slide though I know at the back of my mind everything isn’t what it seems to be. Wanting to hang on to your last word, hoping that you would come through every time you say something or end off with an “I promise” at the end. As of late I have been freeing myself, swimming away from your wave of words; hoping to make it back to shore with my sanity. First you had me overdosing, but I got back on my feet and now you have me drowning. As much as I want to be addicted to the words you feed me I know better and though it makes me feel good from time to time it’s the after affect that I don’t like.

The prefix

“Despite my empty mouth, the words are in my head”, I guess after the whole situation that still remains a mystery to me, I just have been resistant to speak on the way that I feel about things anymore. Part of me doesn't want to write because that would be giving you the upper hand as to how I feel about the whole ordeal, but I just need to get some things out. My heart was telling me to let go and just move on, to not care what it might be that it is being held from me but my mind knew better that I couldn't just let you get away with holding something from me the way you did. It was like a back and forth battle between my heart and my mind, there were sometimes that I felt as if I was being selfish pushing you to talk about something when you weren't ready to so that’s when I let it go I was also hoping that when you were really ready to talk you know that I would be there. It just kills me that it’s a double standard with you and this situation, because we all know if it was the other way around, you wouldn't be this understanding to let things go that easy- but that’s just the way that life is. “Despite our good intentions we keep hurting one another over and over again”, but I look past it each time because we have more good than bad in us. It’s so hard for me when we fall out of our cycle and to then either days or weeks later just jump back in like nothing ever happened. It really amazes me how I stick around to deal with all of this; I even call myself foolish something because it’s a mystery with you; never knowing what the outcome may be.

My favorite guys

Yooo Bros…. Even though 98.99% of the time I want to just suplex you 2/3 of the group the other 1.01% over comes my anger towards you guys. It doesn’t even surprise me how close I became with you guys this past year, and though I don’t say you have always had my back when I needed each of you.

BMW…. Dam I don’t want to be soft anything but I love you for real, always there when I need to talk and even when I don’t want to talk. You help throughout this semester more than anyone else and I will forever be grateful for that. Though I have to yell at you everyday to Calm the f down, and stop acting like a 5 year old you are always serious when I needed you to be.

Grandpa- I guess all I have to say is that you are a funny guy in your own little way and very mysterious at that. You are the more sensitive one out of the group and the less (w)reckless one I guess that’s where it gives the group some kind of balance.

Mr. One arm Willie….I don’t even know where to start with you. I never fought with someone so much in my life, but despite all of our arguments and I still look at you the same. This has been a crazy year but I wouldn’t change a thing, because it helped to open my eyes and handle things in a different way.

my ladies

We never needed a name to describe what we were to one another. Though you will be departing from my college life, I know that you will always be in my personal life. You all have made an impact in my life in one way or another and I am very thankful for having you in it. Though sometimes (well most of the time) I want to choke slam you girls; I guess you know I will always care about all of you.

Congratulations and Good Luck in the real world.

the main one

Putting the pieces of the puzzle together, and it's beginning to make sense but there will be casualties; and i think i am the main one.

I wish I could just write, without restriction.

♫ John Legend ♫

" I try not to fall for make believe, but what is reality?"

Sorry

I missed you, but i just needed time from you....

but I have been doing the unforgivable :-(

Sorry.

♫

Part 2

Dear Spring

I'm going to keep this short,

Spring I see you but I don’t feel you. I just want to feel the presence of your sunshine like old times. Basking in your sunshine of love used to be a daily thing. Playing with each other’s emotions is what seems to be the new thing- sunny days with winter winds. Afraid to move fully into Spring mode so you are taking some Winter days with you.

But then again I understand it we never fully meet again

...it was temporary

How could you hold on tightly to something that doesn’t belong to you- there is always going to be fear in the mind that one day you have to give it back.

Unknown

And at the end of the day you can focus on what’s

t e a r i n g y o u a p a r t

or

what’s holding you together

I think I lost the feeling.

....the difference

So what’s the difference between Spring and Fall, it’s simple it like saying you love someone and being in love with someone, fall is only a verb.

–Brown Sugar inspired

3.08.2010

I sometimes feel as if I carry a heavy burden on both my shoulders and in my heart- always putting other’s happiness before my own. I know that I worry too much about certain things and I guess that is a trait that I got from my mother. Sometimes I really do wish that I could just escape for a little bit and just worry about me for once. I never notice how stressed or unhappy I am until it's too late.

The unfinished dream

Hardly any time to sleep up late doing work, up early doing work; I’ve been having a repetitive dream that starts from the same part and never finishes for the past week. The scariest dream that I've had in so long, and each time it starts it seems so real but I wake up at the same part. It's frustrating because I feel as if there is a hidden message in it but I keep missing it. I don't know whether or not to focus on the content of the dream or the fact that it never finishes.

This thing called LIFE

"Life is an unpredictable adventure; I look at it as there is no time for regrets. You look back at the mistakes that you have made and move on; there is no time to dwell on it. Dwelling on it will only lead you to miss the next opportunity at hand. Negative things happen in life so that we could grow and learn from them. If the same negative things keeps occurring it is only because you haven’t learned the lesson."

-Ms.Q. James

I'm having one of those weeks again.

"When the world starts to stress me out,I

turn to you without a doubt”