&& So this is for her

My right hand, my wonder twin, my closest cousin, my diary, my rock, my backbone. We are connected in so many ways and this is why we understand each other better than any other person. She’s been there through the best and the worst. Seriously I don’t know what I would do or how life would be if she wasn’t there. She helps me every step of the way through it all. When things are not going according to plan I could always turn to her for some kind of support. Even from far away we are still so close. Though I’m the only girl from my mother and father she is definitely nothing shorter than a sister. And this is why I dedicate this blog to her.

Untitled IV

I kept you on a pedestal no matter how many times you let me down.

[what does that say about me]

SMH

I will let you know when Im ready

So there have be a countless amount to times that I was asked why aren’t I in a relationship. Well if you truly knew and understood me then you would know why. I have said it many times before that I am at a point of my life that I am growing and learning more about myself. I don’t want to put myself in a situation that I am not quite sure that I am ready for at this moment. Some may see it as avoidance of commitment but that’s not what I see it as. I guess you could say IM LIVING THAT LIFE right now. But, I will let you know when I’m ready.

“I can’t say I’m not the girl for you….but I just might be her yet.”

-Teyana Taylor “Complicated”

Happy Birthday Mr. President

"Something"

Falling too fast

Clearly rules dont apply

Cant believe that

I just met you

You got me here watching minutes pass by

Wondering when to expect you

There you go is this a dream

Looking like every picture that

Ive seen of you before

Ive seen it all before now that its over

Should have known better

Then to think this was real

And you could be mine

Should have known better

Slowed it down

Cause I feel you needed time

But I kept thinkin

This could be something 3x

This could be 2x

This could be something 3x

Maybe its just nothing at all

But this could be something

This could be something 2x

This could be 2x

This could be something 3x

Maybe its just nothing at all

At all 2x

Maybe its just nothing at all

At all 2x

I guess its what we make it 2x

DRAKE

The tables have turned :-)

So I must admit I was wrong. I thought I understood this situation and had full control of it. What I failed to understand was that God had control of it and he helped me through it. When things weren’t going my way I asked my cousin for advice and she told me to “be on my cool out shit”. She gave me this advice plenty of times before but I can’t say that I listened to her. I felt things were working as quickly as I needed them to so I decided to give it a little shove and this turned for the worst; leaving more confused then I originally was. So this time around I decided to wait and see what was at the end of the tunnel for me. I must admit that this was the best decision that I have made yet. There is something about the summer that makes people think that they could get whatever they are after. And I have truly realized that people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone and have moved on. Yes, I know it may sound a little cliché, but it’s the truth. I know there have been many instances in my life where I wanted something simply because I didn’t want anyone else to have it.

Like I have been saying I have been undergoing a lot of personal growth throughout the past years and I am so much more comfortable with whom I am as a person. I carry myself differently. I smile more. I appreciate everyday that God gives me because no one is promised tomorrow.

Over the last summer months, there have been certain individuals trying to get back what they once lost due to their own stupidity and egos. It’s been somewhat flattering but little strange because I don’t see them in that sense anymore. I’m human so I will always have feelings for them but not in the sense of wanting to go back into the past to make it my present. I have noticed that when your past becomes your present you only get hurt twice; so this left me with the question why now?

What was it that made you realize that I’m the one that you want to be with? Was it that your new relationships weren’t working out? Or was it that he simply saw how happy I was and how I was moving on?

Regardless of the reason there was a reason why we didn’t make it. Either we didn’t live up to each other expectation; we hurt one another or didn’t feel appreciated. I’m not saying that all goodbyes are permanent; but in this case I’m not turning back to allow you to have the satisfaction of getting whatever it is that they want.

"Back then they didn’t want me...now I’m hot, they all on me."

an understanding of myself

Those who know me know that I am a very conservative person when it comes to my feelings towards another person. I keep everything hidden and undercover so that when worst comes to worst I would be able to hide how much I am hurting. But I realized with all this growing that I am doing and me trying to move on with everything that may have happened in the past it is time for me to let everything go. I have come to a point in my life where I realize that I should be happy because I deserve it. I shouldn't’t still be hurting from the things that have occurred in the past. I learned to let go and move on, I learned to be a better person-a better woman. I see myself much happier these days because I have learned to understand myself-I was so good at hiding my feelings that I realized that I was hiding them from myself as well. With that being said its time to close that chapter and that book and say my farewells.

Growth

Okay so its 3:40am and I am still awake listening to music and writing. There is just something about the nighttime that allows me to express exactly what it is that I am feeling. So much has been going on and honestly I am surprised at the way that I have been dealing with it. I have been very calm and able to keep my composure. Lately, I have been noticing my growth. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I am evolving into a woman. The little things that used to bother me I am an now able to ignore and realize that it doesn’t take much to walk away. I have learned to look at things in a mature perspective. I learned to think before I act and speak. I am becoming a better me for myself and the world to enjoy and I have full control of it. I guess it the whole leaving my teen years behind that has me thinking like this….but I like it. Even the growth of my mind is astounding to others and I must admit that college had a lot to do with it. The inside of the classroom aspect is not the only thing that I am speaking of but also the social life. I believed that I learned more about life outside of the classroom than inside. I have learned things that I wouldn’t have be able to learn elsewhere. I am truly thankful for the many things that I have learned throughout the years and the growth of my mind. I just wish the rest of the world was growing with me.

Still Closer than ever

Love && I

So they say when I fall in love it will hit me hard.

They say I’m the toughest girl they ever knew who fought love.

Love didn’t know how to treat me and

we didn’t get along so I couldn’t stay.

I move out and left town.

Love said they would never hurt me and that was a lie,

love said they will always be around through the good and bad,

that was another lie.

We just weren’t connected the way we used to be when we first met.

Love cheated on me

another thing they said they would never do-

it tired it’s hardest to break me down and it almost won

but I had to fight back.

Words of a Great Poet

The human heart is so delicate and sensitive that it always needs some tangible encouragement to prevent it from faltering in its labor. The human heart is so robust , so tough, that once encouraged it beats it rhythm with a loud unswerving insistency. One thing that encourages the heart is music . Throughout the ages we have created songs to grow on and to live by. We Americans have created music to embolden the hearts and inspire the spirits of people all over the world.

-From Letter to My Daughter

MJJ

Because you touched so many lives we must celebrate you instead of being saddened by what has occurred. I hope that you have peace where you are now.

Little things

It’s the little things that she cherishes the most.

Watching the sunset and sunrise with you.

Getting a "good morning" text every morning which puts a smile on her face.

It’s the little things that she admires the most.

The fact that she could tell you hundreds of things and

you remember everything that she says.

You’re simply just a sweetheart.

It’s the little things that she loves the most.

The little things like you knowing when she needs a hug.

Or how you would randomly plant a kiss on her forehead.

It’s just the little things that make you captivate her heart.

She is writing this while he is asleep on her shoulder.

<3

A family like no other

Through all the tears.....laughter...jokes...trips...pictures...videos...and of course drinks....

We continue to stand strong as a family through it all. Its the little things in life that we take for granted-family being one of them.

Though we had some bad times...the good times overshadow them, and through it all I will always love my family.

Because

We are the perfect mix with a little twist.

My last June blog

So I’m leaving in the morning to go on the vacation that I have been looking forward to for months now. I’m finally done counting down the months, weeks and day and now I am up to hours. This will be my last blog for June 2009. I will be visiting three different islands with about thirty family members. Today we were all together after Chris’ graduation all thinking about the cruise and how much we can’t wait. Summer 2009 didn’t really kick off the way I intended it to; I guess I just expected too much and unfortunately I was let down-but hopefully this vacation with be the start of something worth loving.

So many ideas flowing through my mind but I still don’t know what to write about. As Edmund would say this is my spot where I could normally get soft; but I guess I’m beginning to become a little more resistant because there are too many eye catchers here. So much has been going on lately and I just it seems like I have no more pages in my diary. So much to update you on especially with all these little side notes but I guess I will keep it to myself until I glue so more pages back in my diary.

Things just don’t see right anymore. When you get too used to something it is hard when it is removed from you. I wish it was so easy to put aside my emotions aside- but it seems like that would never be.

But like I said I will be leaving in the morning- so see you sooner than later.

Untitled III

Relationships could be a strange as the weather

So much meaning in simple lyrics

Like a star-by:Corrine Bailey Rae

Just like a star across my sky

Just like an angel off the page

You have appeared to my life

Feel like I'll never be the same

Just like a song in my heart

Just like oil on my hands

Oh, I do love you

Still I wonder why it is

I don't argue like this

With anyone but you

We do it all the time

Blowing out my mind

You've got this look I can't describe

You make me feel like I'm alive

When everything else is a fade

Without a doubt you're on my side

Heaven has been away too long

Can't find the words to write this song

Oh, your love

Still I wonder why it is

I don't argue like this

With anyone but you

We do it all the time

Blowing out my mind

I have come to understand

The way it is, it's not a secret anymore

'Cause we've been through that before

From tonight I know that you're the only one

I've been confused and in the dark, now I understand

I wonder why it is

I don't argue like this

With anyone but you

I wonder why it is

I won't let my guard down

For anyone but you

We do it all the time

Blowing out my mind

Just like a star across my sky

Just like an angel off the page

You have appeared to my life

Feel like I'll never be the same

Just like a song in my heart

Just like oil on my hands

Excerpt

I can't even find the perfect brush,
So I can paint
whats going through my mind,
Racing against myself,
but
I'm a couple steps behind.
-Drake

I know more than you think.

Reminded what the struggle was for when I see my parents and I hear them speak in dialect. The struggle of leaving their parents and families behind to come to America to better themselves. The experiences that they went through, my roots, my culture, and my love for it.

The green representing the land and abundance of its natural wealth. The white representing peace and unity.

By birth I am an American child; but by blood I am a Nigerian child. I do admit I might not know everything about Nigeria but my mind is still growing with facts and history about it. Though I don't know how to speak the language fluently I do comprehend it. Though I only been there a few times, I went to many places that others have never been.

Some believe that Nigerian children born in American will tend to lose their culture and history; but I believe that once these things and instilled in the child then that would not be the case.

Some refuse to call me Nigerian because of my American name and because of my lack of ability to speak the language fluently but I pay them no mind; they don't know me and they don't know what I know.

I do know that Nigeria is my motherland, Nigeria is my fatherland

Nigeria is the beauty and pride of Africa

Nigeria is the land of oil, cocoa, gold and silver

Nigeria is the land of rain, sunshine, rivers and mountains

Nigeria is the land of beautiful cultures and traditions.

My father from Delta state and and speaks both Abu and Yoruba

My mother from Abekuta and speaks Yoruba

It gives me the chance to learn double the history and culture about Nigeria.

When I see my flag I don't need you to remind me about my history or my culture, or the way both my mother and father struggled to get where they are because I already know. I am reminded everyday by their presence, their actions, their dialect, their love for their country and most of all their love for my brothers and I.

The beauty of words

The order in which we put words together to make sense amazes me.
The arrangement of each letter with different pronunciations is astounding.
The collection of each letter in the alphabet being able to
make a word- to make a sentence-to make a paragraph- to make an essay –to write a book is truly astounding. The ability to speak these words and put them into writing is beautiful.
A way of common communication and understanding,
the ability to transform feelings and thoughts into writing,
the ability to allow others to know things without saying a word,
the ability to express yourself with not just ordinary words but words of emotions-turns into art.
Words help us say things that we can’t not say verbally.
They help us to elucidate how we are feeling emotionally.
Words help us to understand ourselves more and helps others to understand us.
The value of each word put together to form a sentence shows us the true beauty within us the art that we are able to paint with the words in our minds.

I never actually liked writing because I felt as if I had nothing to write about, but then I realized that the things that your write that come from your heart could never truly be judged because it is your own piece of art; it is what you are feeling and how you view things. Now I just find myself writing just to write; I am relentlessly thinking of things to write.

Untitled II

Corrine Bailey Rae playing off of the iTunes
While looking out my room window at the Bayonne Bridge
Another endless night of many things racing through my head
A night like this calls for the words and ideas in my head to be spit out
And put into a blog for all of my eye catchers.
I begin to think about what I would like to share today and nothing really comes to mind
So I will do some free writing

This is my third week being home from school and here is an update
I roamed the streets of Manhattan for a week straight as the sun followed me
I visited Brooklyn numerous times as the stars looked down at me,
I sat in the park on 47^th and 2^nd ave during lunch time and watched the
Corporate workers and co-workers with their business attire on
And talk about important stuff.
I went to my mother’s job and listened to her co-workers
Talk about how much I’m growing up and ask me
Trillions of questions about school.
I went on the Staten Island Ferry seeing faces that I know
Many of them with younger faces calling them mommy or daddy.
I have been away for two years and I see such a big change.
I walked past my old high school shaking my head at
All of the foolishness that I saw going on.
I went to the mall shopping and saw people I went to
Junior high and high school with shopping for their kids.
Times like this make me happy that I actually went away for school
I don’t think I would be able to deal with this on a day to day basis.
Just another endless night that allows to
me to think about all of this.
I went shopping with RH and saw an alien
I went to a BBQ on Memorial Day and Bertha “got crazy” with the food.
Edmund and Byron came out to Staten Island
Okay I’m ready to go back to school.

---Being out here I have a lack of inspiration to write.

Choux pastry heart by Corrine Bailey Rae

I was just waiting for your phone call
When they came along to say
That a rose done chased you clear away

You had said I was gamine
But we didn't mean the same thing i think
Broke my choux pastry heart
Guess life's, no picture post card

One for sorrow
Two for joy

Sometimes you win or sometimes you lose
I don't wanna lose you Don't even own you
I just wanna stay right here
Until never dawns yeah


I was just waiting for your answer--Still
You made your own apologies
I cried so much I had to leave

Three for a girl
Four for a boy

Sometimes you win or sometimes you lose
I don't wanna lose you
Don't even own you
I just wanna stay right here
Until never dawns yeah