They say it's the one you pay the least attention to is the one that cares the most...

Drowning*

And at the back of my mind I know that you are drowning me with your words. Hoping that I would soak in them and believe every phrase and sentence that comes out of your mouth. Wanting me to believe what you say with no questions to follow. When the questions start it so easy to see how much everything doesn’t really add up. Never really been the confrontational one with you so I try to let things slide though I know at the back of my mind everything isn’t what it seems to be. Wanting to hang on to your last word, hoping that you would come through every time you say something or end off with an “I promise” at the end. As of late I have been freeing myself, swimming away from your wave of words; hoping to make it back to shore with my sanity. First you had me overdosing, but I got back on my feet and now you have me drowning. As much as I want to be addicted to the words you feed me I know better and though it makes me feel good from time to time it’s the after affect that I don’t like.

The prefix

“Despite my empty mouth, the words are in my head”, I guess after the whole situation that still remains a mystery to me, I just have been resistant to speak on the way that I feel about things anymore. Part of me doesn't want to write because that would be giving you the upper hand as to how I feel about the whole ordeal, but I just need to get some things out. My heart was telling me to let go and just move on, to not care what it might be that it is being held from me but my mind knew better that I couldn't just let you get away with holding something from me the way you did. It was like a back and forth battle between my heart and my mind, there were sometimes that I felt as if I was being selfish pushing you to talk about something when you weren't ready to so that’s when I let it go I was also hoping that when you were really ready to talk you know that I would be there. It just kills me that it’s a double standard with you and this situation, because we all know if it was the other way around, you wouldn't be this understanding to let things go that easy- but that’s just the way that life is. “Despite our good intentions we keep hurting one another over and over again”, but I look past it each time because we have more good than bad in us. It’s so hard for me when we fall out of our cycle and to then either days or weeks later just jump back in like nothing ever happened. It really amazes me how I stick around to deal with all of this; I even call myself foolish something because it’s a mystery with you; never knowing what the outcome may be.

My favorite guys

Yooo Bros…. Even though 98.99% of the time I want to just suplex you 2/3 of the group the other 1.01% over comes my anger towards you guys. It doesn’t even surprise me how close I became with you guys this past year, and though I don’t say you have always had my back when I needed each of you.

BMW…. Dam I don’t want to be soft anything but I love you for real, always there when I need to talk and even when I don’t want to talk. You help throughout this semester more than anyone else and I will forever be grateful for that. Though I have to yell at you everyday to Calm the f down, and stop acting like a 5 year old you are always serious when I needed you to be.

Grandpa- I guess all I have to say is that you are a funny guy in your own little way and very mysterious at that. You are the more sensitive one out of the group and the less (w)reckless one I guess that’s where it gives the group some kind of balance.

Mr. One arm Willie….I don’t even know where to start with you. I never fought with someone so much in my life, but despite all of our arguments and I still look at you the same. This has been a crazy year but I wouldn’t change a thing, because it helped to open my eyes and handle things in a different way.

my ladies

We never needed a name to describe what we were to one another. Though you will be departing from my college life, I know that you will always be in my personal life. You all have made an impact in my life in one way or another and I am very thankful for having you in it. Though sometimes (well most of the time) I want to choke slam you girls; I guess you know I will always care about all of you.

Congratulations and Good Luck in the real world.

the main one

Putting the pieces of the puzzle together, and it's beginning to make sense but there will be casualties; and i think i am the main one.

I wish I could just write, without restriction.

♫ John Legend ♫

" I try not to fall for make believe, but what is reality?"

Sorry

I missed you, but i just needed time from you....

but I have been doing the unforgivable :-(

Sorry.

♫

Part 2

Dear Spring

I'm going to keep this short,

Spring I see you but I don’t feel you. I just want to feel the presence of your sunshine like old times. Basking in your sunshine of love used to be a daily thing. Playing with each other’s emotions is what seems to be the new thing- sunny days with winter winds. Afraid to move fully into Spring mode so you are taking some Winter days with you.

But then again I understand it we never fully meet again

...it was temporary

How could you hold on tightly to something that doesn’t belong to you- there is always going to be fear in the mind that one day you have to give it back.

Unknown

And at the end of the day you can focus on what’s

t e a r i n g y o u a p a r t

or

what’s holding you together

I think I lost the feeling.

....the difference

So what’s the difference between Spring and Fall, it’s simple it like saying you love someone and being in love with someone, fall is only a verb.

–Brown Sugar inspired

3.08.2010

I sometimes feel as if I carry a heavy burden on both my shoulders and in my heart- always putting other’s happiness before my own. I know that I worry too much about certain things and I guess that is a trait that I got from my mother. Sometimes I really do wish that I could just escape for a little bit and just worry about me for once. I never notice how stressed or unhappy I am until it's too late.

The unfinished dream

Hardly any time to sleep up late doing work, up early doing work; I’ve been having a repetitive dream that starts from the same part and never finishes for the past week. The scariest dream that I've had in so long, and each time it starts it seems so real but I wake up at the same part. It's frustrating because I feel as if there is a hidden message in it but I keep missing it. I don't know whether or not to focus on the content of the dream or the fact that it never finishes.

This thing called LIFE

"Life is an unpredictable adventure; I look at it as there is no time for regrets. You look back at the mistakes that you have made and move on; there is no time to dwell on it. Dwelling on it will only lead you to miss the next opportunity at hand. Negative things happen in life so that we could grow and learn from them. If the same negative things keeps occurring it is only because you haven’t learned the lesson."

-Ms.Q. James

I'm having one of those weeks again.

"When the world starts to stress me out,I

turn to you without a doubt”

M.SC

"You don't want to go as much as I want you to stay"

Para tu

I guess a little bit was too much to ask for, I thought that you would be able to save room in your heart for me; you say I am in there but I think you buried me another again. I knew you were just like me but I thought that eventually we could help each other to change but I guess we were just both so far gone dealing with our own emotions. Me, with my Choux Pastry heart will always care about you; that's why I told you that you could always holla if you need me. You will always be like a star across my sky; no one could replace you- you’re that special. There is just something about you. If this world were mine everything would be perfect, but nothing even matters. I will never have to try sleeping with a broken heart because I gave it up to you a long time ago when you used to love me.

...in the studio

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

You don't appreciate the time

I put into this love affair of ours baby

I couldn't let you walk around

Thinking it's alright to let me down

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

I gave you all my precious love

And anything you wanted from me

You didn't hear me calling out

Calling for your warm affection after all this time

You can't deny what I'm feeling is real

And I stood around, stood by your side

Went through all the hurt and pain

And you turned and walked away

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

Can't give up on the way you used to give it to me

Give it to me

What a feeling it's for real

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

You didn't hear me calling out

And that's not what love's about

I remember you used to love me

You used to love me every day

Now your love has gone away

I remember I remember

I remember the way, you used to love me

I remember the days, you used to love me

-Faith Evans "Used to love me"

I won't entertain you.

NOPE

Untitled XII

“It’s a shame , the two hearts can be so attached, but they can’t be together.”

No more "Superwoman"

9 mins and 13 seconds

.....of venting and you still don't understand. Why even bother?

The world never ceases to fascinate me; or should I say people. Maybe it is me who puts on the front that nothing bothers me and that I am always happy. Everyone always expects me to be that superwoman. The one that can handle every situation with a smile and not be stressed or hurt about anything; but I’m not. I always let things build up inside and then randomly have my breaking points off the smallest things. I always say that I need to stop letting everyone’s problems and the things that they do bother me but I guess I can’t. I noticed that I always going up and beyond for people and sometimes that can never return the gesture; not that I am waiting for it. Sometimes I really feel like breaking down and crying, but I just cover it with a smile- I don’t know why I do it. I guess it’s the fear of appearing weak. I always give the advice to people that they shouldn't put other's happiness before their own but time and time again I do just that and each time I notice that some aren't as grateful as I would be.

Quote

“Make peace with your past so it doesn't mess up the present.”

A quote that I love and value.

I did just that but sometimes the past isn’t content with the way things turn out

and does things that make me react negatively and affect the present.

I think it’s time for a change of number.

Dark blue to Light blue

I remember when we used to do this;

a everyday ritual from dark blue to light blue.

I almost felt as if those times were coming back;

but then I realized I had to put my

dark blue to walk in the light blue.

Untitled XI

I just knew we were trouble when we first met

Maybe we should let them know

Reflection

It was as if I was looking in a mirror staring back at someone I once was. She was so young in the face and young in the heart and mind. Not knowing much and hardly experiencing anything at all; just so naïve about the world and what it had to offer. Wishing I could go back into that time to help guide her and warn her that not everyone is the way you want them to be; but everything that she would experience would help her to be the one I am today.

No I don’t know everything or do have the answers to this mysterious world; but I am more alert with things and more understanding of it. I know how to handle things better than I did once before. I grew into this person who sometimes makes me think and question myself about who I am.

I don’t remember getting to this point in my life it’s as if I evolved over the years without noticing. I never really realize the growth of my mind until I begin to speak or until I am put into certain situations.

Sometimes I sit and think about the things that I have learned and experience over the years. Every time I am hit with a new challenge I just think back to my past adversaries and that gives me faith and trust that I would be able to get through whatever comes my way.

A forwarded email from my mommy :-)

She has that motherly sense and always unknowingly knows when I need words of wisdom.

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people.

As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don't help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.

Consider this:
Never receive counsel from unproductive people.
Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how.
Not everyone has a right to speak into your life.
You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.
Don't follow anyone who's not going anywhere.

With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it.

Be careful where you stop to inquire for direction along the road of life.

Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships.

If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.

"A Mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses."

The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate - for the good and the bad.

Note: Be not mistaken.
This is applicable to family as well as friends.
Yes. do love, appreciate and be thankful for your family, for they will always be your family no matter what. Just know that they are human first and though they are family to you, they may be a friend to someone else and will fit somewhere in the criteria above

"In Prosperity Our Friends Know Us. In Adversity We Know Our Friends."
"Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them".

"If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude."

Colin Powell

I guess I never told you that>>

Since I was younger I was always able to cover and hide the things that hurt me the most. Most people who know me believe that I am a person who is passionless and doesn’t let many things bother me; but in actually I am the total opposite I am just good at hiding it. I don’t like to show people what bothers me for the simple fact they would know what to do and say to get to me. What I started to realize is that when people did something wrong to me I wouldn’t react to it, it may be hard to believe but I am quick to forgive especially if I care for someone. And I guess it is my fault because I let so many people who are close to me get away with a lot of things that actually did hurt me but I just never spoke on the issue. I am the type of person who would be mad at someone for 10 minutes and forgive them, or I would just dismiss the issue and suppress my emotions and feelings. But as of late, I feel as if people have really been testing me, whether it is with their words or actions. Maybe this is a new epiphany and I have been oblivious to the situation before but now I see it clear as day. That phone call today took the cake. I had no choice but to get a little crazy, so that my point was taken seriously. I never really understood why people think that they could pop up in your life whenever they feel like it- so I had to start hurting feelings, and I didn’t feel the least bit bad about it. J

2:17 am [2-4-10]

...sometimes I feel as if my words are the only thing I could turn to.

...winter break epiphany

It’s as if I knew it for about a while but was unable to properly articulate what was going on. I had words and thoughts running through my mind but I wasn’t sure of the sequence to make then make sense. But then it hit me- my words were finally placed in the right order and my thoughts finally began to make sense. In life you meet people or you grow up with people who you think are in your life for a reason; whether it is to teach you a lesson, have a certain influence in your life or grow with you to become a better person. I always applied this concept with people who I have met over the years; I never thought that I would have to apply it to people who I knew my entire life. In life when you meet people it never crosses your mind that they might not be there to the end with you, or that they would change so drastically that you don’t want to be around them you think that they should be there forever and not change for the worse as it should be. I know that there are certain things that occur in life that make people change; which I always hope their change is for the better; but when someone changes their ways for another person; the way that they act and what they do- it starts to become questionable; especially when that change isn’t for the best. It is one thing if one person tells you about your drastic change but when a hand full of people speaks on it; that is when you should evaluate yourself and the situation. I never really understood how people could choose a certain individual over their family. Yes I know the quote about liking to learn the hard way; but when the hard way could be extremely costly that’s when I start to become worried.

Intuition

Intuition:

is the apparent ability to acquire knowledge without inference or the use of reason

The providing of beliefs that we cannot necessarily justify

....still waiting

Back to a place where thoughts flow more clearly.

...

There are certain things that occur that we are not in control of;

it happens in this thing called LIFE.

Untitled X

Her: I don’t miss you or anything, but I want to know if you miss me

Him: Well okay. I do hypothetically speaking of course

[Sometimes I just don't get them.]

Shhhh...

"There aren’t many more ways

And words that I can say

So I’ll just say it numerically

From my heart to you 143"

Talking in circles...just to amuse myself

…..I talk in circles as an unintentional social experiment to see who would take the time to really understand. Most people don't. But he does......at times.

“I hate when you do this.”

Is often the response I get from him.

It's really unintentional sometimes, but I mostly do it on purpose. I became a professional at it; asking him the same question over and over in different ways just to avoid the real question that should be asked.

Yea, I know I am weird.

but he is too.

Then there are times that I just take things for what they are and I'm content. But then sometimes questions cross my mind making me go from being content to frustrated.

Then it causes distance.

At times I feel as if I don't know him

and that he doesn't know me.

Then there are times that I feel that we know each other a little too much

which still causes me to distance myself from him,

I am afraid of attachment I guess.

People often try to play apart of what this is. Trying to figure things out. But I talk in circles to them too leading them to believe what they want to think they solved from my words.

Don't confirm anything right....keep avoiding their questions..

And i do just that and hide my emotions because sometimes they can get the best of me.

"If you let your emotions take over you will discover that you are not in control anymore."

Don't examine it because you will never win against my mind...I talk in circles to amuse myself.

Untitled IX

Maybe you deserve a special place in my… but I am afraid to let your reside there so I just keep you close to it

"You're the only one who knows what I go through, and sometimes you feel it more than me..."

-Robin Thicke "Angels"

Extremes.

We go through extremes

........either too high or too low. There is never an in between. It never fails it is the same emotional cycle time and time again- one that we refuse to change though we know it can be costly. We have been blinded by the great moments. When everything is GREAT we forget about how it was once at its worse until reach there again. Each time things go wrong it gets worse and worse and harder to forgive or forget.

The crazy thing is....

....maybe

Waiting for....that RED light

Most people wait for the green light, but not I. It is the red light that I constantly wait for. I could sit there for minutes waiting for the light to turn from green to red. Constantly looking a way hoping that when I turn back the light would be red. Sometimes it is, sometimes isn’t. It comes when I least expect-when I start to become tired, or when I try to keep myself busy; but I always have time for the red light. When it’s red it blinks periodically waiting to be checked; but I sometimes ignore it as if I wasn’t waiting for it all this time. Then I become anxious and eventually pick it up. I wish it was like a traffic light where there is a yellow light so that I know when the red light would be coming; but it doesn’t work that way unfortunately. If I think I am waiting too long I give you the red light.

So I got to make the...

.Blog Cry

"I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry"

I don’t know if it is weird or not but I can’t cry about the things that have occurred over the past week. Though it was mind changing information I still can’t bring myself to let tears fall. I guess because somewhere in my mind I knew that there was something being hidden from me- so being that I already prepared myself it didn’t hit me as hard.

Random thoughts allow me to eventually get out what I am trying to say. For a while I was unable to find the right words to explain the way that I was feeling. Seriously there is something about “early mornings” that allow me to get everything out. It is like a time of seriousness and I don’t talk in circles with what I have to say. A time of privacy when I am able to let out all that has been bothering me without holding back, and you are able to listen and understand. I have made up my mind that these “early mornings” are the only time that I will speak to you about things like this. We always spoke about things in the “early mornings” and I was able to speak without an issue but when it is face to face, it is so much better for me because I could see your initial reaction to things, there is no backspacing or anything like that.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

Awkwardness fills the room and it is so hard to deal with. What do I say, how do I act? I feel as if everyone knows and expects for me to act the worst; but instead I do the complete opposite. I go on as if nothing ever happened. They are all worried thinking I would eventually break down but that will not be the case. They don’t seem to understand why I am going on this way, and I can’t seem to find the right words that would allow them to understand. All I do is smile and reassure them that I am fine when they bring up the issue. I know deep inside they don’t believe me but that is the honest truth. I had two heart to hearts and it allowed me to resolve any issues that I had and get the answers to questions that I pondered about. So I am content. A part of me doesn’t want to bring up anything to them because I don’t want to hear their thoughts on the issue; I wish that they could understand that I need them to listen more than I need them to talk. With them saying their thoughts on the issue I would eventually become frustrated because I had the same thoughts and it’s something that I don’t think about anymore because that chapter is resolved and closed. I just look at it as I have my own thoughts on what I should do and how I will handle things so I don’t need theirs in my head confusing me the more. I know that they are looking out for me but I guess there are just certain things that I rather not hear right now.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

I know that I didn’t speak much about how I was feelings when we weren’t talking but I did some writing. My initial thoughts were full of disappointment in everything and the way it ended. I wrote day after day not posting.

December 3^rd I wrote: I don’t know, I thought we were better than this. It kills me every time we cross paths and walk pass each other as if “we” never existed. It’s even worse when we are in the same room (no more than six feet from each other) and we don’t utter a single word to one another, no type of contact at all. Leaving me to wonder if we ever knew each other. Maybe I never met you and I dreamt everything up in my own world. That’s the way it feels when I see you now. It’s hard every day but it’s something we have to deal with right? I remember when we used to fight and make up so quick as nothing ever happened. I miss those days. I remember when you used to know what I was thinking before I even formed my thoughts…days of understanding! I remember how we used to talk for hours, and now we don’t talk at all- there is something wrong with this picture. You always told me that you understood me more than I understood myself-so why can’t you understand me now? It’s as simple as 2 plus 2 on my part; but you don’t see it that way. It’s as simple as 1 plus 1 on your part, but I don’t see it that way. Why are we unable to understand the understandable? Is it because we don’t take time to, or because we have our different ways of learning these lessons? We are the same book but on different pages no wonder why things could never be looked at the same.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

December 2^nd I wrote a quick snippet of what I was feeling and it said: I think that it is just interesting that way things play out. You could tell someone something a million times but it’s up to them to understand what you are saying. Words are used to communicate and educated yourself as well as other individuals. Even when you use the simplest terms an individual still might not understand, so what are you to do then? I’m thinking of drawing what I am trying to say now since my words don’t seem to work.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry”

Things started to get crazy, my cousin was telling me about this rock song and how she like the concept of it so I looked it up, and there was a line that caught my attention so quick. You know how you always say you think God is laughing at you… well I had one of those moments. The lyrics were “Since the return from her stay on the moon, she listens like spring……”what are the odds that someone who have those words in a song put together in that order. I thought God was trying to get me to break down, but I didn’t.

“I can't see them coming down my eyes so I got to make the blog cry"

……Yea the blog cry